all that i am

2012-01-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

the lace at these windows

has been with us for years

since we first moved into the house we built

so long ago

most of the panels I sold at a garage sale

after we moved to this home

and no longer had need of them

I have photographed this room

and it's details

for years

through different seasons

different lighting

morning sun

summer breeze

casted shadow

but this morning

as I lay in bed

waking to the day

what to my wondering eyes does appear?

but...a heart

how have I missed

that little expression of love

that has so delicately been surrounding me

all these years?!?!?

2012-01-27T08:28:00.004-05:00

so I find it absolutely amazing how our dream
sleep minds work

in my dream I was apparently blogging about...
and you know how sometimes
when you stumble into someone's blog
where you've never been before
and suddenly
you are accosted with unexpected sound
and loud music
and the quiet little sanctuary
you're sitting in
is suddenly thrust into make it stop mode?!?!

well
last night at 3:15 in the wee hours of morning
I was awaken by a huge peel of thunder
away in the distance
with that only 'in these here hills'
endless rumble rumble rumble

I am fairly certain I was not dreaming
of blogging?!?!
but in that instant of being roused
by the loud sound
and dreaming
my dream mind re-created that scenario
telling me that the loud noise I heard
was from a blog!
then
in my semi awake mind
the truest purest part of my mind
the mind least corrupted
by my conscious mind
I thought
oh my
I have missed it...
the loud sound in the sky was
Jesus coming in the clouds
with a loud 'trumpet'
to receive His own into glory!
it's the sound we are to be awake and alert for
looking up!
ready
to meet Him in the air
and
because I was blogging....
I was passed over....

do you think some still small voice of my subconscious
is trying to tell me something?!?!

2012-01-26T22:27:00.001-05:00

there is a young man
who rides a unicyle to school
he makes me smile every time I happen to see him

there is a man who has no arms
and wears no shoes
he uses his toes
to press in the key code to get into his apartment
and uses his foot to pull open the door
I would like to meet and talk with him someday

there is a young woman
who has bright magenta hair
I see here going to get her coffee in the mornings
my hon has her
in his afternoon entrepreneurship class

there is someone's beloved
little child in everyone of us...

2012-01-23T18:42:00.004-05:00

spent this afternoon

reading on the front porch swing

with the sun

shining so sweetly

on my face...ahhh

65 degrees on January 23

just yesterday everything was covered in ice?!?!

2012-01-22T17:52:00.001-05:00

a man fell leaving church this morning
he was leaving out the side door
the short cut/metal fire escape to the parking lot
the way he surely has gone
hundreds of times before

but it was terribly icy this morning
although all the main entrances and sidewalks
had been treated and were clear and dry
this exit had not been touched

as soon as his foot stepped onto the threshold
he was down
those closest to the door went to help him
and actually feel on top of him

eventually with much scooting and sliding
they managed to drag him in
and he lay on the floor in front of me
standing in my pew

someone tried putting a jacket under his head
he swatted them away
someone else began to pull him further into the church
only causing him more pain
someone else called 911
and began to pelt him with questions
someone else went to look for something to block the doorway

suddenly it seemed everyone had departed from the scene
and I saw his face grimace as he held back his tears
and then I found myself kneeling at his side
smoothing his head
and holding his hand
and I asked what can we do to help you?
what hurts?
your back?
your head?
your wrists?
your heart?
his hand was on his chest
and I couldn't tell
if his pain was from the fall
or perhaps it was his heart
but no
it was his knee
he asked if I could look at it
and allowed me to roll up his pants' leg
it looked as if he had been branded
with the pattern of the metal grate
but it wasn't bleeding
he then tried to bend it
and then we negotiated which way to roll
to ease himself up to sit and then to stand
and then I gave him a big hug
and told him I was glad nothing was broken
and another man
took his arm
and helped him to the car

what impressed me most
was that he was 64 years old
his answer to the 911 inquiries
and I thought
ten years
and I will be treated as 'old'

perhaps if I fell today
I would already be treated as old?!

but I'm sure he never thought of himself as 'old'
before today...
and then suddenly here he is
laid out on the floor
with strangers hovering over him
trying to take care

rather than him taking care

ten years...

I can't see into the future
but I can remember the past
ten years ago
2002
do & coco in high school
ten years before that
1992
tebie two
ten years before that
1982
engaged to be married

alot has happened over these many years
but I still feel like the same person I was
way back then
and I'll probably still feel that same way
ten years from now

a few more grey hairs
a few more wrinkles
a few more achy body parts

but probably not a whole lot is going to change
over the next ten years
my life will probably be very much like it is today
and everyday

I love these days...
each and every one
the wonder and beauty of it all
my husband
my children
my family
my friends
my little life
this wonderful gift...
that God has given

I take such pleasure
in all that I have
all that I do

I pray
God
is pleased with me too...

2012-01-21T17:35:00.004-05:00

it looks peaceful and restful enough...

the roses from last week's baptism

against the leftover snow... turned ice

but it's not what I feel

maybe it's because of the three cups of coffee

I had today

...after cutting way... back

for the whole the first part of this month

maybe it's a little of the protestant work ethic

...somehow making it's way into

my already guilty cradle Catholic mindset

but however I approach it

I can't justify

being in my robe until 4:30 this afternoon!?!?

wasting an entire day...

no redding up

no dishes

no laundry

although I did bring up the load

that was in the dryer

didn't fold it though!?!?

...to get a clean pair of pants to put on

after my late day shower?!?

so I can look ... and smell

half decent for our dinner date this evening

thank goodness for friends

...on top of being lazy all day

I don't even have to cook tonight!

I really don't deserve it...

last night a date with my hubby

today just lounging around all morning

and then having waffles for lunch

and lounging around some more...

not only will I go blind

from looking at this computer for soooo long

I think I may just die...

and go straight to hell

...although I'm hoping

one day of being a sluggard

won't qualify me for eternal damnation

...or is that presumptuous of me?!?

maybe if I did the same thing tomorrow...

and even though up until now

I haven't believed in purgatory...

I think I might feel just a tad bit better

if I had to did some hard time there

...just throw these dying roses in on top of me

I deserve everything I get!!?

I hope you enjoyed a day of being lazy in the middle of January

a little more than I did

teeheehee

2012-01-20T16:09:00.003-05:00

how i've been spending these wintery days

2012-01-20T08:09:00.004-05:00

I've been hunting and gathering....

here or any word on this page for the link

2012-01-17T09:41:00.004-05:00

"...because he did not know what to say
for they were greatly afraid.
And a cloud came and overshadowed them
and a voice came out of the cloud, saying
"This is My beloved Son. Hear Him!""
Mark 9:6-7
sometimes we
speak
plan
scheme
when we are afraid
when maybe we just need to be silent
and listen
and realize
the amazing presence
we are in...
and sometimes even when we won't shut up
He speaks anyway
and we have no choice but to realize
the amazing presence
we are in

2012-01-14T18:32:00.001-05:00

last year at this time...
oh... to hold this little guy in my lap
for just a moment...

2012-01-13T16:49:00.006-05:00

2010

2011

2012

reflections on Mark Ward's Epiphany homily

2012-01-08T19:07:00.002-05:00

I am not
a precious gift

of gold
frankincense
or myrrh

I am light...

everyday
mostly uncelebrated

sometimes barely grey
sometimes blinding white
sometimes golden
momentarily pinking the whole evening sky

a highlight
a low light
a sparkle
a twinkle

...we are light
a comfort
a way

in the darkness

2012-01-07T09:14:00.001-05:00

the sun came in

to this space that I know and love

the friends came in

the women I know and love

2012-01-06T22:14:00.006-05:00

wrapping, sipping, snowing, freezing...

2012-01-04T21:07:00.001-05:00

He says to the snow
fall upon the earth...
Job 37:6

He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes
Psalms 147:16

ending and beginning

2012-01-02T13:21:00.047-05:00

the party's over

those sweet holidays

a clean new year

shines bright in the pouring down rain

turning into a few welcome flurries

not enough to keep our girl
from a lovely little unexpected trip home

and thanks to the lovely v
a little face time with the sweet far away boys

a special dinner with two kids and dear friends

and a prize winning apple pie...
one more taste of delicious sweetness
as new year's day
ends
and ordinary time begins

alone together...

2011-12-30T22:01:00.001-05:00

after all these years......

2011-12-29T16:10:00.020-05:00

a long stand in a hot shower this morning
not my usual routine
I'm an in and out showerer
amazing my husband and family for years
"you're in and out already?"
I am my father's daughter!
stepping out into a steaming room
windows dripping on this twenty degree morning
the three plants on the window ledge
quite grateful for the steam bath
a philodendron
from my sister and brother in law
given many moons ago
still thriving?!?
a fica somehow inherited from our daughter
when she moved from her apartment
given to her as a house warming
by her aunt
somehow still alive with many leaves!
and a papaya that our sons brought home
from their great adventure
given to them by their grandfather

slathering my whole body
not with just the usual body lotion
but with thick moisturizing cream
usually just applied to my face and neck
and hands up to the elbows

cold
dry

my bathroom floor tiles are warm underfoot
as the water to the radiators runs under them

Thursday
work
demolition of glitter world!?
what to wear?
something that I don't mind ruining
getting snagged
...payday!

Christmas done
almost a new year
another year...
although our decorations around the house
will be up beyond the usual new year's weekend
until Epiphany
...my women are coming
...for our annual Christmas breakfast

the piles of gifts that filled our corners
are now gone
which means
so are the kids

but having them here
for whatever time they were able to be here
was wonderful
I am so proud of them
and love them tremendously
they have all grown
into people I like!

I love their familiar voices and their words
wise with opinion
yet ripe with wondering...
I love their helpful hands
and youthful abilities
their giving gracious spirits
their gentle ways
and astute observations

when did they grow into these adults?

saying good-bye and sending them off
back into their worlds
seems so logical
makes me so proud
they exist and function
live and breathe and have their being
apart from me now...

I no longer feed them
hold their hands
tie their shoes
drive them around
buy them shoes
ask if they have such and such
or need this or that

they are autonomous creatures
our children...are no longer children

they live and love
holding young ones safely in their arms
yet playing with little ones
as if they too are young

they are seeking and finding
their very own ways

they trust themselves
and the world they move freely about in

trusting the God they have come to know
and will come to know even deeper
as their lives continue to open up ever before them

I have loved them
and will love them
all the days of my life

I remember once thinking as a young mom
I can't do this
I do not know how
I do not have it all together
I am so going to mess them up

and I remember God speaking into my very spirit
that He had given me these little lives
I did not "create" them

and I knew
that if He somehow saw fit to place His
beautiful vulnerable needy little ones
with me
somehow He would give them
through me
what they needed
what He wanted them to have

and He has given me
what I needed through them

"God sets the lonely in families..."
Psalm 68:6

for s.etole....

2011-12-27T21:13:00.001-05:00

see
we have the same nativity!

rain and work on a tuesday...

2011-12-27T18:57:00.004-05:00

our kitchen counter this morning

the recipes from Christmas day
stuck in the windowsill
almond liquor punch, sugar cookies, egg nog...
the gift of a rosemary plant
a baguette
from our bolognese and braciole dinner last night
and an angel food cake with whippy!?!?

the day is over
but the celebration of the season still lingers
there are still piles of gifts
in corners and behind chairs
welcome reminders
that the kids haven't all gone home yet

the cookies
the frangelica and warm milk
in the evenings
and the wonderful lights and decorations remain

I took my mother home yesterday
and we had a lovely talk together over lunch

tomorrow we go to my hon's family
and do it all again with them

snackies and dips
Italian cold cuts and cheese
and more roasted beast
cookies and cheesecake
and gifts for the children
and our "glorified christmas letters" to each other

it truly is a wonderful time of the year

the eve, the day...

2011-12-25T13:19:00.055-05:00

Christmas Eve
dinner preparations...
rosemary from 'her garden' still beautiful
for the roasted beast

Mary is found!

the gift of Torrone

sugar cookies...
somehow the dough gets made
but making them is always at the last minute
this year bim wrote us a merry message

more cookies

the mantle this year
with re-purposed candle sticks
from the wedding of mr and mrs leer...

the tree at twilight

the balls that hang over our table with care...

last year little baby hands reached up there

this year
this child wide eyed at night

the new husband lighting her birthday week
'joy' candle {gaudete}
all is calm all is bright

dinner together

lemony goodness and chocolate for dessert

toys are opened

and found music serenades us
as we prepare to head off to church
and the little family heads home
to their very first Christmas
in their home of their own

by the chimney with care

and day follows night
Christmas day
first things first
in the morning

presents and presence
surprises for us all!!!!

then dash away...dash away

trash away all!

true gift..

2011-12-25T10:43:00.005-05:00

blowing kisses good-bye on Christmas morning...

Emmanuel

2011-12-24T09:42:00.007-05:00

four weeks ago
I was in pain and confused
full of unanswerable questions
that were not mine
but clung to every part of me
I tried all the usual remedies
I asked questions
talked
cried
listened
read
and finally with the lighting
of the first purple candle
my raging soul was still for just a moment
and prayed
and the next day the spirit within me prayed
a little longer with a little meditation
upon all the thoughts swarming around in me
and the call to stillness
of the words on a page
and the next day were tears
and my own words of prayer
released by that spirit struggling
within me
you believe in God believe also in me

for I am with you always

cast your cares upon me
for I care for you

the world around me was preparing for Christmas
I too was bustling about

preparing for Christ

preparing a place for 'God' to come

I did not want Him to come to my grumbling sad unsettled place
I wanted Him to fix Himself the place He wanted
to prepare His own space within me

what needed to be done?
I had done all I knew to do
I have done all I could do
all these fifty three years
and here I am
saying I believe
yet I doubt
I kick
I despair
I cry

what really needed to be done here?
a tree indoors?
more gifts?
more cookie ingredients?
more lights?
more Santas to add to the collection?
more cleaning?
more perfect?
new traditions?
no traditions?

maybe...
less
maybe take away all expectation

expectation seems to be
what deterred much of the world
from receiving Christ the first time He came

and I too have my own expectations
I have always imagined...
I have hoped for...
I have prayed for...
I want...

perhaps it's not about me
and what I want
even when that want is good
when I want good for another who wants

God somehow aligned the stars
at the time of Christ's birth
kings came
angels sang
and shepherds quaked

did he forget the detail
of perhaps a bed
for the birth of His only son?

did He forget to provide the women
who would normally surround and assist with the birth?

did He forget anything?
does He forget anything?

I don't think so

and so
I do not think He has forgotten me
nor those I love

so in these three purple and one pink weeks
I have had the sheer delight
and humble pleasure
of the coming of Christ
into my very soul

Somehow He has come
into that place
that for so long
has wanted more
has wanted perfection
has wanted to understand
and He has brought His joy
His perfect peace
His love
a stillness and rest
that all my life I have hoped for
and have never been able to achieve
or attain

Somehow this time
as I desperately tried to hold on
to every precious moment
before it passed
and mourned all the precious moments
that have past
in my own quiet desperation
I have known His presence
in the present...

I was not ready
the place I thought I was preparing for Him
was the furthest from being ready
that it has ever been

'not prayed up'
not fasting
not adoring
not awaiting

full of ever wandering theologies
and unsettled philosophies
strewn with hay of cluttered thoughts
not swept and orderly
not as I thought it should be

but He came
in the fullness of time

everything is not as I think it should be
but He comes with His plan

God is working
and accomplishing His plan
as He has for generation upon generation
and I am part of that plan
I am part of His scheme

and so to are all the fellow pilgrims
on this journey
the ones luckiest enough to get a room
the lowly shepherds
the coming kings
the stabled animals
who are right where they are meant to be
breathing their warm breath
into the evening air

God has not forgotten us
we are not somehow just trying to make our way
on our own
God is very near
with us
Emmanuel
in the details
in the quiet place He longs to create
in our very little
God made human souls
somehow He comes....

2011-12-23T21:47:00.004-05:00

it may look like a day at the market
and it is that
and so much more
it is the birthday tradition...

vespa

chocolate cannoli

beautiful oregano

watermelon radish

potatoes

cupcakes

rosemary tree

not so angry bird

north pole

coffee

brew

every year...

2011-12-23T09:29:00.001-05:00

all that i am
sings of the God who brings new life to birth
in me
my spirit soars
on the wings of my Lord

my soul gives glory to the Lord
rejoicing in my saving God
who looks upon me in my state
and all the world will call me blest
for God works marvels in my sight
and holy, holy is God's name

God's mercy is from age to age
on those who follow in fear
whose arm is power and strength
and scatters all the proud of heart
who casts the might from their thrones
and raises up the lowly ones

God fills the starving with good things
the rich are left with empty hands
protecting all the faithful ones
remembering Israel with mercy
the promise known to those before
and to their children forever
Magnificat, David Haas

twenty five years ago....

2011-12-21T22:47:00.003-05:00

a long long time ago
about this time on a Sunday night
we thought
"we're having a baby!"
Monday evening
we had
our little baby girl
and we brought you home on Christmas eve day
in the morning...
happy anniversary of your birth
kiss
see you in the morning light

one year ago...

2011-12-20T22:51:00.008-05:00

one home from Italy

one still unmarried
...not even engaged...
days from turning...
one year older

one not yet graduated...

one not yet walking...

one year later
everything has changed

but one thing has remained the same...as ever
the peanut butter balls!
her favorite!
are made...

full of grace

2011-12-18T08:31:00.003-05:00

after a lovely little St. Lucia evening
with our two boys
gathering for the far aways

comes
Sunday morning...
two beautiful words
on their own

the covering of a cold dusting of snow
on the world outside my tree house window
the perfectly longed for addition
to this last Sunday of Advent
this one week before Christmas

but there's even more
there is mass to be celebrated
with our daughter and son in law
at their parish, with their bishop

and then a humble voice
enters in
to my quiet morning moments
our eldest son, far away
comes
unexpectedly to my wondering ears

his presence filling our rooms
just like it always has in the past

this time singing praise to Our God
in his music written for the
New Translation of the Roman Missal

oh to hear
his voice
to imagine him still creating

my heart sings
my spirit soars

the week before Christmas
all thru our house...
all thru our days...
all thru our living...

"Listen to the angels"

2011-12-12T18:42:00.005-05:00

I heard this song on the radio this morning
of course
it brought a tear to my eye...

click on the title of this post or here
to hear "Listen to the Angels"
by Seasons
from their "Eventide Lullaby" CD

One boy
One girl
One road that leads them far away

One night
One star
One babe no bed to call his own

Too young
Too poor
Too late to find a place to stay

Tonight
Two hearts
Too full of faith to go astray

Listen to the angels
Even when their words seem far away
Listen to the angels
You gotta trust that God will lead the way

No inn
No room
No friendly face to ease their night

No doubts
No fright
No fear God hadn't them in sight

Although
Alone
Always God making sure their way

Already
All things
Allowed by God were taking place

Listen to the angels
Even when their words seem far away
Listen to the angels
You gotta trust that God will make a way

That night in a stable they stayed
Trusting that God would lead the way
Not in a palace no golden throne had he
Born in a manger just shepherds came to see
This man a savior to a hungry world in need
Was born a humble babe to people who believed

Listen to the angels
even when their words seem far away
Listen to the angels
You gotta trust that God will make away

One threat
One flight
One journey deep into the night

No place
So far
He cannot bring us home

One God
One Son
One love that cannot be undone

One boy
One girl
One child to save the world

SEASONS...Eventide Lullaby cd
Mary-Kate, Peter and Randy Lee

roses in december

2011-12-09T22:31:00.002-05:00

"God gave us memories
so that we might have roses in December"
J.M. Barrie

into His presence

2011-12-08T15:25:00.004-05:00

from here to there...from there to here

2011-12-07T23:19:00.002-05:00

o tannenbaum

2011-12-05T07:58:00.000-05:00

dwelling

2011-12-03T09:14:00.000-05:00

"One thing I desire of the Lord...
this alone will I seek
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
To behold the beauty of the Lord
and to seek Him in His temple"
Psalm 27:4

This is one my favorite verses
my prayer

I love the days when it surprises me and is the daily Psalm

It speaks of God
in His place, right where He should be
where I'd expect Him
and yet I long for Him
even though He is not far off..

It speaks to me of this life's purpose
of setting priorities
seeking Him first

It speaks of living this life
of home
of living
of glorifying Him
by reflecting His beauty
by seeing His beauty all around me
and by creating beauty

and it keeps the promise of eternity
living before my eyes

ahhhh

but in reality...

I ruined a tablecloth
Thanksgiving eve
all the little pumpkin and pear candles I lit at each place
burned down and created their own little puddles
all over the table

I put the tablecloth outside in the cold
to make scraping the wax off easier
but it did end up in the trash

but not without me first noticing
the beautiful frost glistening in the sun
on it the other morning....

"shuns"

2011-12-02T03:15:00.012-05:00

destruction
of the place where all four of our children
received education
for the first eight years of their young lives

occupation
what I used to think of as the means to
earning a living
or the usual activities that I busied myself
but is now: the state of being 'occupied'

education
presently the occupation of the one who used to
occupy one of those positions of low esteem
that the occupiers are objecting to

creation
what those who are creative do
in the recesses of their own time

adoration
what occupies my time
at the Spirit's every prompting

quiet night

2011-11-30T08:55:00.001-05:00

after a long day's work
an evening of quiet
sitting in the comfy chair
with Christmas light
and pinky
working on a special Christmas project...

2011-11-29T08:20:00.001-05:00

perhaps change won't be so bad

"Oh Lord, we pray...
for even now
as we walk amid passing things
You teach us by them
to love the things of heaven
and hold fast to what endures"
from our New Roman Missal
November 27, 2011

2011-11-27T09:04:00.004-05:00

a sixty degree Saturday after Thanksgiving
little voices in our usually silent neighborhood
the grandparents under the big magnolia tree
are playing with their little grand ones
Barbara and the good doctor are walking the dogs
with their grand littles in hand

I'm decorating for Christmas
things come down
to make room for other things going up

I'm not one to put on Christmas cds to listen to
while working
music is always randomly playing in my head?!?!
raffi or charlie brown or burle ives would just put me over the edge!!!

"last christmas I gave you my heart...."
George Michael

it's been a year since Christmas
it seems like yesterday...we were just doing all this
with extra little hands helping

So...even in my self imposed insulating silence
the unpacking of every single little thing
still wrenches my heart

the jingle of the bells that hang on the door

the extra stockings that will just stay packed away
the Nativity set that is missing Mary
who somehow disappeared last year

it's a sentimental time of year
every year
full of traditions that hold our past

This year
thinking back to last year...
with the far aways here
and
thinking all the way back
to our first year of marriage
as the new mr and mrs begin

our first year...
before any children
before four children
before becoming in-laws
before becoming grandparents

once upon a time we were just starting out too?!?

we were young...
beginning

figuring it out

living days just like these ones lived today
in a different place
in a different time
but somehow the same...

as our parents before us
and the grandparents before them

and now our children...
are married...
making their own way
creating their own traditions

traditions that remind us of where we come from
and establish who we are

there is something soothing
about putting out the same things year after year

the white Santa collection...
the rolly poly santas
the Nativity sets
the one Nana gave me
before we were even married
the one my hon's parents gave us
for our very first married Christmas
the one his Aunt gave us
that she grew up with
the wooden one we bought
when our kids were very little
so they could play with it
[the one Mary is missing from!]
the piles and piles of St. Nicholas books....

We never imagined what this day would look like
28 years down the road...
What do their days hold

"eye has not seen
ear has not heard
what God has ready for those who love Him"
1 Corinthians 2:9

2011-11-25T09:03:00.006-05:00

a foggy morning
following a foggy night

with all the usuals

the kitchen counter
after gathering all the glasses!?!?
apparently alot of drinking
a lot of family
and of course lots of food
with a new sampling this year
pomegranates, persimmons, and pears

beautiful shiney sweetness
the colour of the Christmas season that now is upon us
I must pull myself from computering this morning
and go get ready for work
Black Friday in the retail world...

Thanksgiving eve

2011-11-23T22:48:00.005-05:00

cool whip
a can of crushed pineapple
a box of pistachio pudding
and mini marshmallows

"green fluffy stuff"

a recipe from another era
but it makes an appearance every year
on our Thanksgiving table

we haven't had cool whip in our house probably since last year's Thanksgiving?!?!?

a lovely Thanksgiving eve dinner
with eight of my hon's students away from home
this holiday
some who have been away for many years
five from China, one from Vietnam,
one from New Jersey...
and one local who will go home tomorrow!?!?

a lovely little preamble to tomorrow
when we will be with our family

thinking of our family
that is far away

let the preparations begin...

2011-11-22T08:04:00.001-05:00

2011-11-20T21:55:00.006-05:00

this little one visited for a moment this weekend
and these little ones spent the night

little toys
were left in a corner

and little board books were read
and left on the dining table

becoming coasters
for mine and hon's Sunday dinner wine...

sights sounds smells

2011-11-16T22:55:00.116-05:00

"Music at its best is the grand archeology into and
transfiguration of
our guttural cry
the great human effort to grasp in time
our deepest passions and yearnings
as prisoners of time.
Profound music leads us
beyond language
to the dark roots of our scream
and the celestial heights of our silence."
Cornel West
driving home
Carnegie Hall live
Beethoven's Symphony #7
with period instruments!
the 'gut' string section
had to tune between the 2nd and third movements
which of course
brought me to tears?!?!

who knows why

I think because of the beauty of the rhythm of the allegretto
and then the natural pause before the third
but instead of progressing directly into scherzo
there is coughing from the audience
and then the unexpected
beautiful sound of the orchestra re-tuning?!?

I so am moved to tears, often

unexpectedly and sweetly

by the big sound of a Beethoven symphony
live from Carnegie Hall
and by the familiar greeting from the puppy
next door
greeting me at the gate with a 'woof woof'
as I get out of the car

and smells
sleeping with the window open at my face
the pre rain breeze blowing in
outside air
so different than inside air
especially this time of year

roasting coffee beans as we walk along the strip
men going to work
men coming from work!
even young men wearing too much axe!
the smell of clean
and even
the release from hard work
just not those hockey smells!
the soft powdery smell of old women
dinner!
bacon for breakfast
the cappuccino pot bubbling
and all the anticipatory smells of the coming days
turkey and stuffing
pine trees
warm candles
oven fresh baked cookies

and the best smell ever
little ones
the God given smell that makes us want to devour
newborn babies
"to eat them up we love them so"
Maurice Sendak, Where the Wild Things Are
we snuggle them up
and hold them close
and there they stay forever

and never underestimate the power of dream
even though you don't 'see' or 'smell' in them
they can be just as real
as sipping the macchioto with my daughter
on the strip was

last night my dream
was so sweet
and is with me still...
tears just beneath my eyes

the hon, and the lovely v
come into work
he is carrying bambino
he puts him down
with his straight and curly hair
and he toddle runs
through the rows of lit up trees Christmas
towards me....

under the attic

2011-11-15T22:02:00.006-05:00

sitting 'under the attic'
rain
drip drip dripping
wheels spraying water as they pass by below
a big faced clock keeping tock tock tock
a fog shedding softness on the lights on the hills
over the river

I think I can safely say I've never sat here before

at first it was Coco's space
the victorian orange sofa
that is in the foyer
somehow was all the way up here?!
and her wonderful antique bedroom suite
that she payed for from her ice cream money!!

where did she buy that?!?
I can't even remember!?!?
and where is her bed now?
I think a dresser and the vanity are still over at the apartment

from when she and meggie sue moved over...
to the b side

this was really Bim's room though
he was up here the longest...

last year at this time
I dug out my very first bed
{purchased with my ice cream money!}

and I painted my old shell bed
it had rusted in the garage during its many years of not being used
and I created
the 'under the attic' place

for the far away family to have as their own little get away
and when Tina and Holger came to visit at new years
they stayed up here
and do and v moved downstairs
and then never moved back up....

now it's the guest room

and tonight it's all clean and ready for our 'sleep over' guests!

but I can claim it...
every now and again

and sit and listen to the rain
and think of those who used to fall asleep here
listening to the rain 'under the attic'

simplify

2011-11-14T19:42:00.005-05:00

2011-11-10T09:20:00.005-05:00

"These are woman's high prerogatives
To make and inspire the home
to lessen the suffering and increase happiness
to aid mankind in its upward struggles
to ennoble and adorn life's work
however humble."
Margaret Morrison Hall portico
on the campus of Carnegie Mellon University

Words I wrote about and drew about
when I was a young college woman
Words the young woman we raised
surely would have something to say about!?!

and here I am almost 30 years later
humbled
...by the home I've made
and adorned
...by the lives I've inspired
and failed to inspire
...by the suffering I've lessened
and caused

an afternoon

walking his halls

where he will work for the next few years

along new paths

and along old ones

remembering old smells as we entered my old halls

hearing the wonderful sounds of musicians in their practice rooms

so many years have gone by

so many things remained the same

so many things changed

When I was sitting under this tree at 23....

I never thought I'd have a child
who at the same age

would walk the same autumn days

I once walked
almost 30 years after I did...

t'is the season...

2011-11-09T09:05:00.001-05:00

the first red cup...
somehow a marker
...yet another year draws to a close...

the little words printed on it
"let's remember why we go together so well..."
brought to my mind this verse

"Come now, and let us reason together"
says the Lord
"Though your sins are like{scarlet}
They shall be as white as snow
Though they are {red} like crimson
They shall be as wool...
If you are willing and obedient
You shall eat the good of the land"

I have been trying to reason with the Lord this week...
having our own private counseling sessions...
He's been doing a lot of listening...
He's very good at it
and when He does speak
I've been trying to allow His truth
to draw me once again into willingness and obedience
to whisper
over all the inner voices raging within me

2011-11-07T22:16:00.004-05:00

Why are you cast down, O my soul?
and why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God
for I shall yet praise Him,
the help of my countenance,
and my God.
Psalm 43:5

one man

2011-11-05T22:05:00.009-04:00

"One man
loved the pilgrim soul in you,
and loved the sorrows of your changing face."

William Butler Yeats
for Kelly, Claire and Sarah @

our pilgrim
walked far and long
into the life of another lone pilgrim
and together now
they walk
and fly
and stutter step
as the years begin
to go by

2011-11-05T09:34:00.003-04:00

I know You in my going out
the consistency and glory
that I exist in
the softest of warm sun shining on my check

I know You in my coming in
the safety and stability
of home to return to

I know You are near
always oh so near...
I know You in my softest spirit
that place only You know the words to speak
that calm and soothe my sorrowful soul

I long... to know You in my raging mind
that place that arrogantly asks for answers
to questions beyond my understanding...

I long to know You in my wandering heart
   that place that wants to run
to something easier to understand
that place that wants answers so badly
it creates it's own
that place that says if you do one, two and three
the result will be blessing...
not what feels like a curse
that place that says be this good
and all will go well
or be even better
and all this will be yours

but what I know
is that it doesn't work like that

I may feel safe
in my coming and going
to this place I call home...

but this is not my home

my safety
my peace
my all..
is beyond
is in...You

"what if...
my greatest disappoints
or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst
this world cannot satisfy
what if...
the trials of this life
...are Your mercies in disguise"
Laura Story, Blessings

   “ Blessed are the poor in spirit,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
        Blessed are those who mourn,
For they shall be comforted.
        Blessed are the meek,
For they shall inherit the earth.
        Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
For they shall be filled.
        Blessed are the merciful,
For they shall obtain mercy.
        Blessed are the pure in heart,
For they shall see God.
        Blessed are the peacemakers,
For they shall be called sons of God.
        Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake,
For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Matthew 5:3-10

fell tears

2011-11-04T08:40:00.002-04:00

into the folded sheets this morning
fell tears
for two so longed for little babies
lost
Christmas isn't so far away
why couldn't they be saved
Oh Lord we've prayed
Oh Lord we've thanked
for this long time of carrying
for coming so close
had we become too comfortable
too assured that so far along
everything would be alright
no
not with these two little longed for little ones
why
are You distant
or are You right there
and if You are right there
why are they no longer here
such a good
and Godly
faithfilled, selfless, loving woman
mother
and such a strong, loving father
provider
a stable strong loving marriage
a safe established home and family
so wanted
so ready
so close
why
oh my God?
kind and merciful
good and faithful
all powerful almighty
how will our trust remain
in You

saw the blue moon this morning...

2011-11-03T09:02:00.003-04:00

with his curls

and his big green tonka truck

with his red riding race car

and his little dinosaur

and his momma

and his pappa

in his father's footsteps

perhaps another day with glorious sun

2011-11-02T09:26:00.005-04:00

shining harshly this morning
but with that potential of shining warm today
yesterday afternoon sparkling beautiful in the golden afternoon window

this little life is so good
such wonderful magnificent little blessings

waking in my warm safe bed
able to walk into my own warm floored bathroom
hot coffee
my hubby in his morning spot on the sofa
every morning still trying to find news
sipping the day's first familiar sweetness
sitting at the window
hot showers
grocery stores

a first anniversary!
a fortieth birthday cocktail party

jobs to go to
a job where I come home covered in glitter!
how awful is that?!?!?
though I'm sure I'm going to die
from chinese glitter asbestos cancer...?!?
ushered into eternal life by glitter poisoning

but...this is all part of life eternal...
this little life is the beginning of eternity
...part two...I think...
part one was somewhere long ago
being know at the foundation of the world
so somewhere we were in existence?!?!?

this life is melding and molding me for the life we will live forever....
...eternity

I won't suddenly become someone else
that holy saint I long to be
I will still be me
but refined and ready
finished here and ready for forever

is it happening?
I do not doubt that that is what the Lord is accomplishing
and I do believe His purposes are accomplished...

and I long to yield to His will
in this life
to become just what He longs for me to be

that weaned child on her mother's lap at peace
weaned from that which is perfect and good
natural, normal, necessary and nourishing

weaned...
I'm guessing not like the almost should be weaned wee ones
who sit on momma's lap and pull and tug on her shirt
knowing there's something they want there for them!?!?!

totally weaned...
able to sit at peace
in this rich wonderful normal and natural world
of goodness and comfort
no longer wanting
at peace
waiting ready for the world of grown up adult living

hmmm?!?!?

just thinking

all hallow's eve

2011-11-01T09:17:00.001-04:00

Dom and Chris serenading on youtube with their guitar and mandolin
"making my heart a garden"

holy evening
the vigil for the feast of the saints, the holy

followed by all souls day
the day or those who have died

we are part of...the communion of saints
we long for holiness

holiness

I think in my 'quest' to be holy
I think I need to be...
Mother Theresa with the poorest of the poor
Thomas Merton writing in a monastery
Therese of Liseux suffering in a convent
Francis of Assisi who to this day still has pilgrims
from all over the world longing to draw near to his holiness
not to mention the Blessed Mary
who gave her son freely for our eternity

I am just allison
in Morgantown
opening boxes in a basement
full of made in China merchandise
to display for all the Christmas patrons...
who will soon be trapsing up and down the street
looking for that perfect gift

or trapsing thru people's perfectly decorated homes
photographing their beautiful lives

there was a time in my life that I was content
in where the Lord had placed me
and I encouraged others to know that they too
were exactly where they should be
or they would be somewhere else!

but it's a different day now

and lately I have been struggling with 'now what, Lord?'
don't I need to be doing something other, bigger..smaller...
do I need to go to Jamaica and help with the severely disabled children?
or work in a school in Africa?
or visit the local hospital three times a week?
or be part of the women who pray the rosary once a month?
or stop in and adore you for an hour...

but I'm thinking that maybe what He is working into me
is that this is where I am now
and I need to accept and be content in it
again

while He continues to transform and make me holy

knowing that I am serving Him with my single Sunday shut-in visit
and my couple hours with hospice

and that it's okay to long for what I think is more saintly service
but that this is what I am called to be obedient and joyous in
right now
and perhaps forever

I am no bigger or better than anyone else around me
why should I feel like God should be doing more with my life
He has given me this life
and is working His life into my life
and oh my I still have so far to go to become a humble holy servant
the first thing being getting rid of these preconceived ideas of what a saint should do...
and just being willing to be a saint where I am

to be humble
to be good dirt
to become able to grow whatever God wants to grow in me
not whatever I am trying to push up!

our first snow

2011-10-30T21:49:00.001-04:00

it's a beautiful life

2011-10-29T07:47:00.006-04:00

it's a beautiful life
new construction
post and beam
exposed rafters
soaring cathedral ceilings
hard wood throughout
marble tile floors in the kitchen and baths
walls of windows
overlooking the lake
one room tree house living
with two small rooms off each wing
for sleep
for study
for guests...ie the kids coming to visit
exquisitely decorated
rustic antique juxtaposed with sleek contemporary

not my home...
although I could happily live there
but the sacrifices that were made along the way to arrive there
are not ones I was willing to make

and so after my rant a blog or two ago
about wondering if...
how I've lived
and what I've done
and what I have yet to do
is enough...
I ascertain yet again that I am quite content in my little life
with my intact family
even with this always restless yearning heart
I am pleasantly pleased with myself
and I believe that my Lord and my God
also takes a little pleasure
in all that i am

I believe it is Him
I long to please
I yearn to serve
and somehow I'm thinking I have to be bigger
better
more
to do that
but perhaps not

at least He hasn't brought that into my life yet...
and so I will continue to go to work
and come home
to our expansive view of the street and the houses and trees across it

2011-10-28T09:31:00.004-04:00

sometimes I wonder
if the Lord really is pleased with me and this little life that I live
and then sometimes I know
He not only delights in me!
He delights in my delight...
and really it doesn't take much to delight me...

I love that on a Thursday night
my hubby {of 28 years}calls and asks me to meet him at the new Thai place
we've been wanting to try...
I love that even after a late dinner
and teaching all day
he is willing to go and do the last errand of the day with me
even when we're not sure where to go and what'll still be open
I love that even though the old tile floors of my bathroom are slopping and cracking
they are warm in the morning...
from the hot water pipes that fill the radiators running beneath them
I love that first sip of cappuccino in the morning

and then I love seeing another little bit of blessed assurance
left just for me to find
without ever even really seeking

....behind my eyes...

2011-10-27T16:55:00.004-04:00

walking into Barnes & Noble
seeing all those names

they have written
or have been written about
we know them
know of them
they've been recommended
they are recognized
they've been heard of

is that what I want now?
why is it always something?

finding the right man
buying the right home
figuring out when to have that first child
or second or third or more
getting them to sleep through the night
in their own bed
potty trained
socialized
educated
well mannered
well rounded

those things
absorbed my life
those things
I poured my life into
and more
laundry
and church
making beds
and shoes
winter coats
and sleep overs
athletic events
and spouses...
and...................

how did all that get done?
how did they all grow up so well?

but
it's not about that stuff anymore
the acquiring that must be done in youth
how many children
how many square feet in the dream home
how many figures needed to live
how to become who you will be

it's not even about the most recent longing
for place
where the end will be lived
where the children will come and gather
with their families

it's about what I'm pouring my life into now every day...
is this what I should be doing?
is this how I am to spend the rest of the life I have been given?

if this life would come to its end tomorrow
because it is incredible to me how quickly it all has gone by
is what I did today be how I would want to spend my last day?

do we have the luxury to ask that question?

the rest of this life
has to be accomplished in the next few short years
that will go by just as quickly as the last few have

will my name be remembered?
da vinci, John Hancock, Michelangelo, Steve Jobs, Paul
author, artist, anything??!!?
accomplished
contributed?
added?

I don't see it...
and so I live with this belief
that it's not about now
it's about eternity
it's not about fame
fortune
prosperity
posterity
it's about who I am
God's
own
child
loved
into existence
for some wonderful reason
to know
love
and serve
Him
now
and for all eternity

that...
...is enough

my restless
longing heart
my eyes
ears
hands
long for something more

I must find it in Him
only He can reveal it
begin it
inspire it
bring it into being
I have been waiting so long
looking
longing
and still...

if this is all
this has been enough

will this be all?

second light

2011-10-24T22:16:00.001-04:00

out
early morning this morning
with time to sit and watch
the only sun of the day
trying to make its first appearance

and as I sat and watched and prayed
all I was aware of
was that this same sun
had already shone
warmly
on the little holy one
as he trekked to the market
or ran in the park
and was already trying to wake him
from his afternoon nap

and here it was
just making its first appearance in our new day...
trying to bring the same warmth to us

2011-10-22T16:23:00.086-04:00

“Now, ‘ere I sleep, I wonder what I shall dream.
Some sense of being, utter new may come
Into my soul while I am blind and dumb -
With shapes and airs and scents which dark hours teem,
Of other sort than those that haunt the day,
Hinting at precious things, ages away
In the long tale of us, God doth say.”
- George MacDonald, Diary of an Old Soul

wed

2011-10-18T21:05:00.005-04:00

2011-10-18T14:46:00.003-04:00

oh what a creature of comfort I am
birkenstocks kicked off
under the front porch swing
as I sway in the sun
with a cappuccino
and shortbread cookies

it's warmer outside today
than it is in our house

buses roll down the street
those magic minutes of dismissal

last night we made up our bed in the flannels
and this morning
I slept in till my hubby woke me up at 8:15?!?!

I love this time of year
how the weather changes
in a moment
blue sky
wind
blowing leaves down the streets
soft foggy mornings
and crisp beach like mornings
billowing clouds
golden last days of sun

2011-10-17T18:52:00.119-04:00

it's been too long
there's been so much
where to start
what to say

most importantly...
the far aways are all together finally again!

then...as always on this day for the last 23 years...
this child gets older

...."and I'm getting older too"
but it's worth it...
having luscious-left over chocolaty birthday cake to ENJOY!

then there's the newest addition to the family...
the new son in law
...he is a wonderful brave capable cook!
he made the Sunday morning breakfast....
no easy task to fill in this household!!?!?

when meals like these regularly cover our table
thanks to my wonderful hubby

I've missed this time
this process
this blogging
it's been so long
I feel like I could just stay...stopped...
no more words...
no more pictures...

although it has actually been the photo stuff that's been keeping me away

I've been involved in a project for a dear friend

who helped me with this

and
I've had two photo shoots!?!

but if I stopped I'd miss capturing this little life

...and...I'd miss making a little difference
in other lives
I began ministry again
after what seems a very long respite...

I had forgotten what a blessing it is

to take someones's hands and eyes into mine
to ask a simple question
and share a short response
and to receive an answer
with the wisdom of a life lived long
in return

words I'd heard before, read before
but when whispered from behind old eyes
they resound in my soul like a prophecy

87 years old
mother of five boys two girls
a magnificent elegant old home
just steps down the street

a life of living
reduced to one small warm room
but
she is in her home....
as I am in mine

and there was another life...
of 77 years
lived big
so big
that to accommodate the number of people paying respect
the funeral wasn't able to be held in a church
it filled an event center
US senators, presidents of Universities, CEO's...

but still the same shiny casket that you see at every funeral
the same prayers of repose
chanted and sung

and then the recessional
a blatant contrast
to the pomp and circumstance
and fan fare of the day...
"Simple Gifts"

'tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be fair

'tis a gift to wake and breathe the morning air

and each day we walk on the path that we choose

'tis a gift we pray we never shall lose

Monday was Wednesday

2011-10-11T20:30:00.002-04:00

2011-10-10T22:20:00.001-04:00

observing how quiet it seems lately
falling to sleep with quiet all around
the only sound as I listened hard
was a cricket breathing
somewhere in the distance
waking up in quiet too
not a bird, not even a car, breaking the silence
enjoying the peace
of an unusually still world
then in the place where I'm most use to quiet
while kneeling in a silent church
I am moved to tears
by the sounds I hear
instruction on the new mass parts
that we'll be singing
in preparation for the coming new year
and not only are the mass parts unfamiliar
and jarring
but the instruction is not being given by the familiar voice and face
that's been instructing us over the past several weeks
in the beautifully composed music he has written himself
as we've been attending mass where our son had been leading worship
in our own preparation
for his farewell

2011-10-09T13:34:00.003-04:00

just one week ago...
...last Sunday...
the day after the wedding
good-byes at the hotel
brunch long into the afternoon at gramps' and mimi's
my dad and his wife left early
to come here to our house
for the night
before getting on the road home
and when we got home at dinner time
with a roasted chicken and lettuce in hand for somekind of quick supper!
they were no where to be found
they left a note saying they had gone to find food
and WARMTH...

last weekend
so unseasonally cold
so wet
we actually turned the furnace on...
the earliest we've ever done that!?!?

and this weekend
so warm
and sunny

saw the newly weds Friday
and Vinnie yesterday...

this morning breakfast on the deck with my hubby

and a call from far away

and tonight hon's making tebs and I
a mmmm crispy lamb dinner
with fresh mint from the side yard

photo walk

2011-10-08T21:37:00.010-04:00

so the rest of the town was at a football game this afternoon
but a friend and I joined up with the local photography club...
and did a photo walk around the town...
something I've never done before
...I'm an infant, I have so much to learn

2011-10-07T20:33:00.005-04:00

woke to the phone ringing
thought it might be from far away...

but it was from Davis
and they wanted to know if they could come by on their way 'home'?!?!
to pick up whatever was left of their stuff here
...so
up, showered, laundry and out...
to women's group....stopped on the way to pick up photos
in a beautiful fog!
then bright clear sun
in a matter of moments!

didn't want to take the time to stop and shoot
...so
I just pointed and shot!!!
drive-by photography!?

no sooner got to church and got the call that they were almost home
...so
I left quickly and arrived home to find the newlyweds!

we all went to lunch together
where tebs 'used' to work...
and then I left to cross the street to go to work
as they walked down the very European looking alley

on their way 'home'

2011-10-06T21:53:00.002-04:00

2011-10-05T21:09:00.020-04:00

okay
so I don't know how to do this
posting a gazillion pictures in one place?!
but
I think I am going to put them all here
over time!!!
so when these words disappear...
that means they're all here...
and you no longer have to check back
but until then...
just keep checking back

2011-10-05T09:04:00.003-04:00

I open my devotional
Wednesday of ordinary time...
yes
we are beyond the days

It is Wednesday
I must go back to work
rather than driving to the city again!

I would so rather stay at home today
a day to myself
to think of all those who were such beautiful presences over these days
to write thank yous!
to process all that has happened
to order my thoughts and feelings
to have a good...cry...
to begin to order and organize wedding prints
to set our home in order again
although I must say the piles are fairly organized
there's only a small pile of gifts lingering in the foyer
though cards keep coming in the mail...
all her stuff is in one corner of the basement
all the reception stuff in another
and all do's stuff is in the attic
someday I'll get to it all...
but not today
today the world begins anew
or maybe it was last night...
as I backed out of our drive-way
on the way to my monthly hospital ministry
supervisory meeting
ready to begin again with hospice
after quite a long reprieve

for the first time in four days
the sun burst through the clouds
just in time to create a glorious sunset
warm upon my check
and clear to my vision
as I drove across the Pleasant St. Bridge...

the feast of St. Francis of Assisi

2011-10-04T10:57:00.002-04:00

she married on the feast day of St. Therese of the little flower
today he leaves on the feast day of St. Francis
{Vanessa left Ascension Thursday}
all very appropriate and special days in our families' life...

I sit here and blog and upload wedding photos
as Dom packs upstairs
I alone will drive him to the airport
frank teaches this morning, coco and andy honeymoon, tebs works
(bim will actually meet us there)
...I can do this, I must be strong

but it's oh so hard when there are so many uncertainties
who knows when we will see him again!?!?
it'll probably be years...

my only prayer is that they will be happy there...
all together
living and loving little bambino...
and creating a peaceful and loving home

I long to tuck myself into a pocket of Do's backpack
to get a glimpse of Santino...
to satisfy my aching heart and arms

oh the huge whole that little boy left...
somehow even bigger than the gaping one our own son
will be leaving today

the most beautiful weekend...

2011-10-03T21:51:00.007-04:00

the temperature dropped 30 degrees
so it was cold...
and wet!
it began to rain and has continued to rain now for four days straight!
there was traffic almost everywhere we went
there was lots of work to do
and then lots of work to undo?!?!
there was too much coffee
too much rich food
too many sweets
there was too little time
and it was over far too soon...

but it was the most beautiful weekend ever!

there are thousands of photos surrounding almost every aspect...

but there are two images in my mind's eye
that I don't think were captured
that I hope I remember forever

as it began...
the quiver of his chin
as he watched her approaching him
coming down the aisle
and how she teared up when she saw him tearing up!

and as it ended..
as they walked towards his car
leaving for their honeymoon
in the rain
she in her red croc wedding shoes
and he in his red hoody
his hand upon her back
keeping them both centered under the big black umbrella

flower day

2011-09-30T02:29:00.001-04:00

thursday the middle of the night
eating pumpkin pie
and I found the cream whipped by hannah that
my hon couldn't find earlier!!
it had fallen behind something in the fridge!?

really it's friday 2:00 am
yesterday seems like forever ago
driving up to pittsburgh
picking up the last remnants from her apartment
(check back for pictures to be inserted here!!!??!?)
hannah arriving
sharing a late dinner

then today

the boxes and boxes of flowers arrived
and my sister and tim!

and then....she, with his help?!?! worked "magical" wonders

as courey would say

little caspian was tickled over the littlest little pleasures
flying ends as each bunch was cut

bouncing billy balls on the end of long long stems

his very own bunch of baby's breath

and the little cousin he misses firetruck and it's repetitive horrendous song...

and snippets of conversation
throughout the day....
the first of oh so many calls today
"I have my tux, I just wanted to let you know...

"bring an extra pair of pants
Charlie forget some for the rehearsal"

"they look like bloomers"
what are bloomers?"

"we'll get peirogies for lunch
but we have to stop and get a garter on the way"

"interior design, hazmat and a carney?"

the wind is blowing against the storm windows
it's supposed to be rainy and cold

but the feeling of being on the edge of something
beautiful is absolutely intoxicating

2011-09-28T09:40:00.002-04:00

she's had her last sleep in her wonderful little apartment
I bring her home today for a few last nights here

to awaken with us in our home

the program is finished

the accoutrements gathered

boxed and labeled

tagged and bowed
flowers and bride's maids are on their way
tuxedos being picked up
partying starts tomorrow!
and the rehearsal is a day away
we are so ready...
I cannot wait for this wonderful upcoming day...

2011-09-25T21:19:00.001-04:00

last light on the 'crunch berry' tree
last meals shared
last gelato of the season on the walk home
the end of summer
and the beginning of beyond the days

left... centered.... left of center...

2011-09-24T22:37:00.048-04:00

the prompt..."left of center"
sounds simple enough
a little asymmetry

but as I reviewed today's photos choosing this one
I realize there really isn't anything to focus on 'on the left'
the focus is my son 'on the right'...
It's his last Sunday mass...before leaving the states
he's singing a Psalm he composed to be sung next week
for his little sister's wedding

my heart swells
as my eyes swell
and I reach under the pew to pull my camera from my bag
I must remember this
after he has 'left'

I thought I was focusing on Dom

but then when I uploaded tonight
I notice the background for the first time...
the stained glass image
[I'm not sure what the story is?!?!?]
but the blessed mother
is definitely in the center of the composition
with open arms, giving...
not clinging
not holding on
open and giving

and you can only have that openness
if you are centered

and not just balanced and composed in yourself

but centered and found in Christ

I long to live a holy life
a life deeply lived in Christ
holy like Mary's son
holy like Mary learned to be holy through Jesus Christ

I long to be a holy mother
a holy mother in law
a holy woman
a holy child of God

this one little photograph
that I thought was just capturing a memory
had someone beyond me composing it
just like the rest of my life
and it has opened my eyes and my heart
and perhaps even my arms

to give
to release
to be open to whatever the Lord may bring

2011-09-23T22:51:00.001-04:00

the first full day of fall

one week until wedding eve

maybe one more...

2011-09-21T22:58:00.002-04:00

the last park in the lot waiting for early release...

our last trip up to her first apartment

our last outdoor late luncheon

ten days

2011-09-20T09:19:00.016-04:00

last week something unexpected made me cry
'unexpected' really being the operative word here!
because I pretty much expect to cry at everything anymore

facebook....anniversaries, falls

target billboards....
warning signs on household appliances....

recollection,sentiment
regular companions
of my regular life

kids coming and going
moving in and out...still!?!?

life decisions
tears
struggles
confessions
hopes
dreams
fears

all theirs now
yet they will always pull and tug on my heart strings
the strings directly attached to my tear ducts

so I'm driving north
to visit two of our kids in their own home town
I'm listening to a talk show
realizing I'm probably just about to loose reception
as I drive thru the mountains
when I do begin to loose reception
but without switching stations
another station picks up
it's some beautiful classical piece
but it doesn't come in strong and constant either

so what I'm hearing is this very interesting talk show
that I'd love to hear the conclusion of
and a beautiful piece of music
that I'd love to find out who the composer is
and intermittently static
static....fading advice...static...lyrical expression...
question...static...crescendo...static

and then it's all just gone
silence

and I realize tears are running down my checks?!?!?

then I had a similar experience
at mass the other night
a little more expected this time
we had driven down to the church
where our son plays music on weekends
and as often happens
his opening chord always seems to open my tear ducts....
especially now
when he only has two more weeks here in the states
before joining his little family far far away

but something additional happened simultaneously
the older parishioners began to sing....
some a couple of beats off
some a couple of octaves off
some actually singing different words?!?!

I actually laughed to myself as I recalled
my experience with the static in the car

then last night
my hon and I were sitting inside after dinner
with the tv on
and our son and a friend of his
who had joined us for dinner
went out onto the front porch
and began to play guitars
and sing together

and suddenly in that beautiful consonance
all the dissonance made perfect sense

there is so much going on right now
there is regular living and life

nice warm dinners to cook on these cool transitional days
with local butternut squash
and heirloom tomatoes

there's banana bread baked
with two new little friends

and smart wool socks to buy

furnace men and plumbers to schedule

sewing machines to take in for repairs
so the blue jean quilt can actually...
finally be finished!

and there's priceless glimpses caught of a son walking to class
the weight of his world carried upon his shoulders
as I take off to do errands

later he will ask to borrow the car
so he can go do his errands
a new sugar bowl
a new toilet brush

there's a new home for the gift that has adorned our foyer
since Christmas

a foyer now full of boxes labeled and tagged
ready for their big appearance

there are still wedding programs out there being proofed
and escort cards to be finished

but in between it's nice to think about the regular things
nestled right in there with the big things

and even the things I'd rather not think about right now
the things that hurt my sentimental sensitive emotional heart
the things that are the static of my life
the things that no matter how much I think about
I can't make come in clear
I can't understand and make sense of

the things that no matter how hard I try to tune them out
are part of the background music of my mind

the missing of the little toddler that I think about constantly
I see little babies about Santino's age and
I get all missy and weepy
I see pictures of little babies that remotely remind me of Santino
and I get all missy and weepy
I see actual pictures of little Santino
and I have to look away
I get so missy and weepy
I miss our grandson...
that new part of our family
It makes me sad that we missed their wedding
as we get ready to celebrate this wedding
and I miss that they will not be present
and
I get all missy and weepy that three days after the wedding
our son
will be moving, to go live abroad
leaving forever, or at least
for a very long, unknown amount of time
he will join his little far away family where they live
and they will make their life together...

then there's the wedding preparation
and anticipation
the beautiful nuances that swell and fade
even before the actual event
as we try to think of every detail
and talk about and prepare for
the changes that will come
and at any given moment anything can make me weepy over that

then there's the fresh heartbreak and life decisions
'with no answers'
of our other children
their struggles
their lives

It is simply amazing to me that this is all able to happen
simultaneously
what we can feel, do, think, worry about... pray about
prepare for, and never be prepared for
all at the same time

but like the furnace guy said...as he walked out the door
"everyday is a good day..."
ten more till the wedding
thirteen more till dom goes...

and then we'll see what life holds beyond the days........

two weeks

2011-09-18T09:14:00.002-04:00

in two weeks
we will all awaken in some hotel room
and it'll all be done...
all the days and weeks and months
that have been leading up to this one moment
will have been accomplished
and they will be Mr. and Mrs.

our kitchen has become the staging area...
and it has me seriously wondering
if it is even remotely possible
to create something of beauty out of such a mess

but the rest of the home is almost ready...
floors polished
spider webs wiped away
beds ready
still need to do yard work and hose the front porch today
but we're almost ready...

two days, two...three sets of sisters

2011-09-16T21:49:00.032-04:00

moments of
sweetness

darkness

light

perfect little lives

perfect light

easy

steady

swirling

spinning

comparing

shadow

wonder

innocence

beauty

darkness
light

'gathering blue'

2011-09-15T21:39:00.006-04:00

gather it all

let it recede

as certain as the sea rushes to shore

gather again

2011-09-13T17:07:00.017-04:00

I can still see the change of light of every visit

I can still feel the sand in my shoes as I slip them on
to go back to work

I can still hear the sound of the pound of the waves upon the shore

I can still remember our own beach days...down the shore

I can still taste the sweetness of the usual done extraordinarily

I can still feel all of the blessed feelings of all our gathered days

but I still forget...the one thing I so need to remember...

different days

2011-09-08T09:10:00.008-04:00

afraid
afraid the rain may keep us from our beach trip
packed my slicker just in case
[and some suisse mocha and a nice bottle of wine...]

afraid that going away is really not a very good idea
right now
there is still so much cleaning to do...
and preparing for our family to come
[the carpet cleaning guy is doing the carpets...
....as we speak!?!?]

afraid all the weeks/months of planning
really isn't going to produce the desired effect
that andy's nightmare will come true
and it'll look like 'the day after' a bad yard sale?!?!

but I think having this weekend before us
has been great incentive
a firm time line to have things ready
well, as ready as we can be right now

I think it'll be good to go away
get away
breathe
think
feel
for a moment

it's been so much of the busy~ness
getting it done

with lovely little weekly wednesday lunch talks
that help us to 'be not afraid'

but we are about to enter another
big change

which is why there is all this preparation

it's a day to stand out from all other days
a day to dress differently
a day to eat differently
a meal not cooked by my hon!?!?
the most important dinner of our lives?!?!
and all we did was pick from our choices
in the brochure?!?!

and it is so different from other days
because "from this day forward"
"all the days of their life" which follow
will be different

she will join her brother before her
in living a life now lived differently
a married life

three short days later
son one
gets back on a plane
and goes 'far far away'
to re~unite 'the far family'

2011-09-06T21:58:00.024-04:00

I knew I was a little cranky
after work last night
...had to vent a little over the chili
and then for dessert
a little wrench was thrown into the wedding works...
...apparently I didn't handle it as well as I thought
the stress showed!?!
and it so....concerned the hon
that he actually felt compelled to...do the dishes!
and the pots and pans?!?!
maybe there's something to be said
for losing your composure!

2011-09-06T08:24:00.000-04:00

a perfect day yesterday
rainy and dark for sleeping in

pancakes and bacon for breakfast

cool for cleaning
preparing bedrooms
cleaning out closets
putting things away

took down and washed curtains
vacuumed mattresses

the hon made home made macaroni and cheese
to go with our labor day hot dogs on the grill

the weather has changed so much today
from humid and sweaty
to so cool now that we've pulled down windows
and pulled on sweaters
and even looked for socks?!??

and now I'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea...
and have a 'somoa' from out of the reserves!!!!

2011-09-05T10:53:00.006-04:00

a shower

tea party

'our' one year anniversary!

friends

family

the girls

the girls minus one

the cake

the cupcakes and 46 years

do you want to open a present? yes

he's yours now

the mice from 21 years ago

a dot theme?

her little girl

the newest little girl

the fascinators!

thank you for coming
AND if any of you have any shots of "what is missing"
like the mog!!!! and her entourage!!!
so sorry.........
please send them to me
it still seems I'm more comfortable taking pictures of STUFF
than people....
allisondegeorge@gmail.com

the abundance of everything...

2011-09-02T21:49:00.011-04:00

serve the Lord your God
with joy and gladness of heart
for the abundance of everything
Deuteronomy 28:47

proclaim the gospel
with fervor
bearing witness to beauty
with the joy of the faith
from Pope Benedict XVI's
prayer for September

these verses have been echoing around in my spirit

serving...
with joy
and gladness of heart
proclaiming the gospel
by bearing witness....to beauty
with joy
...the joy of the faith

I think we think it's different
evangelizing
standing on some kind of soap box
seeing some kind of an immediate visible affect

and when nothing seems to happen
somehow we become ineffective
we didn't speak the right words
didn't make an impression
didn't do enough
weren't good enough
didn't have enough faith
didn't have enough joy

but maybe it's simpler
maybe we don't have to worry so
about being good disciples
Godly servants

maybe our joy
and the humble gift of faith that we cling to
and long to grow in
is enough
and already delights our God, our Father

maybe our little lives

our busyness
our friday morning spiritual enrichment sessions
our letters

our sitting
and watching
a little hgtv
for the first time in forever!?!?
as I did a little prep for some of the little round foods
for the weekend

somehow is...serving God

I hope that it is
but I always feel I should be doing something other
something on a soap box
something next to a hospital bed...again
something on a committee
something more

I will do something other
later
after
whatever I'm doing now is done being done
but
last year at this time
....like everyday...
...at any time...
I was busy too
preparing the attic

I remember the sweat dripping off of me
as I painted
just like it did today
as I sat tying

and
last year at this time
was the surreal weekend we had
with the future in laws
meeting and and dancing and drinking wine

a year ago...
this weekend

and this weekend
a bridal shower...

and in four weekends
they marry

and will serve the Lord our God
with joy
and gladness of heart...

one month

2011-09-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

next month
the first day
will be a Saturday
we will wake in a hotel room
after the wedding rehearsal and dinner
at the end of a long day
the night before
everything will be ready
cause by the grace of God we will be able to set up thursday...
please Andrew Ferrie!?!?
lights up
piano moved
ugly picture frames covered
hanging things hanging
tables draped and set
favors tied and placed at each place
oh linens will need picked up
and favors finished
and cake picked up...ready to cut
the girls will get up and go get their hair done
and we will just lounge around until time to begin getting dressed for photos
in my dreams!
we'll see just how prophetic I turn out to be!
oh
and pick up the guys tuxes!
oh
and blow up the balloons!!!
and attach all those tags!
thank goodness for the girls!
that in itself will take up some time!
but then that's all...
right?
well...
the church will have to be "adorned" that morning!
make sure the programs are there!
design and print them between now and then
have the covenant ready!
and the flowers delivered...
hmmm....now would be the time to order them, huh?
so we can make the arrangements and bouquets friday!
but really after that!?!?
everything is ready...?!?!?
isn't it...
it's just hurry up and wait now
till it's time to get it all done...

then...just get to the church
walk down the aisle
pull out the hanky and watch...
as our little girl and her 'boyfriend' marry each other!

two Tuesday conversations and another wonderful Wednesday

2011-08-31T08:31:00.009-04:00

will be with my girl again this afternoon
in these final days of her being my girl
{as if she were ever mine!?!?}

soon and very soon she will be an others...

and to be able to see bimmer now too!

it's an amazing thing to watch your children
walk thu their life
it is a blessing
to watch them go places
and do things
on their own

to simply be present
to watch

I talked with a young man in the grocery store yesterday
who lost his mom
to suicide this summer
his eyes held mine
I wasn't just someone in the grocery
I was a mom
someone else's mom
but a mom
and I felt an overpowering need to be maternal
to this very tall grown up man
I wanted to scoop him up and tell him all would be well
right there in the dairy case
instead I invited him to dinner

and then

I got a phone call from someone I do not know
but they used to be a friend of my mom
they were calling to inquire about 'the family'
so interested in how we were all doing...
I told them I wasn't the one they wanted to be talking to
that I could see that there was still an interest
and a soft spot there
or they wouldn't be calling
and that they should be talking to my mom
I told them there is always room for forgiveness
and new beginnings in relationships
that maybe with the years of added wisdom and strength
things could be different
they refused
and not only pursued the line of questioning with me
but went on to tell me all the character flaws
of my mother
waiting for me and baiting me to join in and agree
how presumptuous
to tell me about the person who birthed me
how arrogant to ask me about how close we are
if I knew....?
if we talked...?

amazing

that the woman I have fled my whole life
I was defending
and asking reconciliation and redemption for

maybe God {and my sweet hubby} has really worked something out there?!?!

and these came today
little felted woolen polka dotted balls!
something I never knew existed until a couple months ago
when our girl set her heart on them...

2011-08-30T09:19:00.014-04:00

the kind of morning to pull on a sweater
put a scarf around your neck

[her scarf left in a drawer here...somewhere]
and socks on bare feet

[these feet will soon walk down the aisle]
or else
just to sit
in the warmth of the newly risen
fastly fading summer sun

[he started grad school yesterday]
but the days of sitting in the sun are done...
there is an objective to meet...
...get everything absolutely ready

wiped and washed and wrapped
and tied and tagged
and boxed and labeled and marked and organized
for the big day

so I can be with my girls down the shore
can it be done?
I think I can
I think I can....

[from our first beach wedding....
the last time I was at the beach
two years ago now]

almost september...

2011-08-29T21:06:00.003-04:00

this weekend
this is what we need for the shower...
and in a month...
this is what we will need for the wedding and reception

home...sweet home

2011-08-28T09:34:00.044-04:00

far or near

no matter where

we all just want a home

a little place

to call our own

to keep our things

to put our toothbrush
our cell phone
our memory boxes

the place to lay our burdens down
and pick up our cross

we rest our head
next to another
we lay our babies down

in the sanctuary of bed

rooms that flow

good light is nice

and no water in the basement
electricity

internet and cable

green space for gardening and playing

a place to sit to share our meals
to do nothing but be still

a place to belong

a place to create

music

love

life

I can only search for something

that I have, to some degree,

already found.

How can I search for beauty and truth

unless that beauty and truth are already known to me

in the depth of my heart?

It seems that all of us human beings have
deep inner memories of the paradise that we have lost.

Maybe the word "innocence" is better
than the word "paradise."

We are innocent before we started feeling guilty

we were in the light before we entered the darkness

we were at home before we started to search for a home.

Deep in the recesses of our minds and hearts

there lies hidden the treasure we seek.

We know its preciousness

and we know that it holds the gift we most desire

a life stronger than death.

Henri J.M. Nouwen Life of the Beloved

in and out and up and down...old and new...homes

2011-08-27T22:09:00.002-04:00

the ice cream truck

2011-08-25T21:44:00.003-04:00

so why tonight of all nights does the ice cream truck
appear on the scene?
we've been home almost every night this summer

sitting on the front porch swing
or watching tv with all the windows open
and not once have we heard it

but tonight
as I weeded in the yard
I heard it
the music from many summers ago

the first song our son learned to play by ear
scott joplin's entertainer

I heard it as I hosed the driveway
I heard it after all my yard work
as I got in and out of the shower
it was still somewhere just a street over
playing memories into these last evenings of summer

2011-08-23T21:45:00.001-04:00

our wonderful life...
dressing up
going out
celebrating
life's milestones
life's blessings

and hours later across this same threshold
once darkness fell
walked
a little girl
who somehow found herself alone
she came to sleep in the safety of our family
but only for the night

she didn't have shoes to start school

and one of our children
who has always had school shoes... and church shoes, and gym shoes, and soccer shoes...
bought her a pair
...and a pair for her brother
and backpacks!

my hearts swells with pride
for compassion
and aches with pain
for little girls
and little boys

listen......and cry and pray with me...

2011-08-22T07:50:00.002-04:00

Laura Stone~Blessings~
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

remembering

2011-08-21T08:19:00.004-04:00

only eight

in the day

hot

dirty

away

alone

in the night

sounds
fitful waking

back to sleep

alone

in the moment

take me with you

alone

would love to take credit for this image,

but it is not my photograph,

and I cannot seem to find the artist behind the lens...

fell hard today....

2011-08-19T18:36:00.005-04:00

In the Rain

photo by Metin Demiralay
image by mei cowie?
sitting on my very favorite porch swing
rain falling hard
lighting cracking the sky
thunder rolling through the valley
echoing along the river
crashing over our houses
the smell so delightfully sensual
the sun beginning to go down over the tree line
succumbing to what could easily become...
a dangerous addiction...pinterest