everyone's life is so beautiful

beautifully composed

saturated with color

perfectly focused

rich with texture

softly focused

uncluttered

balanced

well lit

subtle

pure

but

maybe

creativity

is gleening

 and capturing

 the beauty I so long for

from this cluttered, mundane

and ordinary life

that I live

“Before you had the experience 
you used to think you could speak of God.
Once you have the experience of God
you can never say what you have experienced.”

Thou hast created us for Thyself, and our heart is not quiet until it rests in Thee.
               St. Augustine

and have it more, abundantly

why does the sun go on shining...why does the sea rush to shore?

don't they know it's the end of the world?
it ended when you said good-bye...

who'd a thought the week before our daughter marries
we'd be draining our hot water furnace...
to fix a leaky valve
and having the heating and cooling guy
check the furnace on the b side while he's here
installing a new exterior door on the b side
buying knobs for the b side kitchen cabinets
picking up the sewing machine
from the repair shop
and talking to the bakery that's making the wedding cake...
all in the same morning!!??

15 months

If we were in 'Garp's world'
we'd watch for the undertoad



but we're in our woman's world
so we watch and wait with blessed hope and expectation
we pray with out ceasing

and yet last night we are wakeful all thru the night
watching and waiting
and praying
for the lion that is lurking...
on just the other side of the door

I thought we were prayed up
praised up
ready
but the hon...
what oh my has he done?!?!

I am not quite an 'old soul'
getting up there...
but, not quite just yet!


though I have heard it said even of young children and babies
'they have an old soul'


meaning they seem somehow to be wise beyond their years?!
something in their eyes
like they've already lived....


I claim no wisdom
tho I have lived many years


and I only have hints of precious things
that may be...ages away
or 
may be closer than I think


what I know 
from what I have seen, and tasted and smelled
is sometimes
somewhat different
than what I dream
and hope for
in my soul 
for these present days
and for ages away


and what I know
is sometimes
somewhat different 
from what I believe


I believe there is love
I believe God is good


but what I know
is that there is divorce
my parents divorced
my mother's parents divorced before her
my mother divorced twice 
my father's wife divorced before marrying him


my sister divorced
my brother divorced


my husband's father lost his wife
and remarried a divorced woman
one of my husband's sister divorced
another sister married a divorced man


only two out of ten of us are married in the church
and are married still


one is unmarried
and one has been living with her boyfriend for years now


but I believe
that two people can love each other
their entire life

I woke this morning and put our Easter grass in the sun

hoping for a fuller bowl come Easter day

when suddenly the skies are grey 

and I hear the sounds of an extremely hard rain coming down 

hail...

not what I expected!??!?

and I didn't think I'd be sitting in the sun

in the cemetery

later in the afternoon either...

but due to unknown to me, road construction

and an accident 

traffic lead me to a place I couldn't make 

the left hand turn I needed to take 

to arrive at my pre-determined destination

at the designated time

and so I made the right at the light

and knew immediately were I was going to spend 

a little unexpected time

of blessing

I like to take pictures

I told someone I was going to be shooting my first wedding

oh they asked

are you a photographer?

and I said no

I just take pictures

and they said

no you must be a photographer...

they didn't ask you as carpenter to come to their wedding

to take pictures

though perhaps he could

but then he would also be a photographer

I understood what they were saying!?!?

even if I can't explain it well

I'm better visually

I've heard it said

"I'm not an artist

but I know what I like"

I too know what I like

and so many times I see images

and wonder

oh my

how did they shoot that?

why can't I do that

and one day I realized editing

and photoshop

and slowly I am learning to use those tools

just as I've learned to use my camera!

but mostly I prefer to only shoot thru the lens

to compose

to set for the light I wish to capture

to underexpose

to overexpose

to focus

or not to focus

not that there's anything wrong with cropping later

or editing 

or coloring

or deleting color

of changing to soft focus

but somehow it feels more genuine

pure to do it with my eye

to capture what is

although

just because I shoot that way

does that mean that is what is?

even when taking the screed shot of my grandson

I crop how I see fit

and I hit click for exactly what instant I want to capture

I say I am never photographing another flower

tooooo many

yet I do

what if I had been at the kennedy assasination

and was taking pictures of the grass on the knoll

that would be dis genuine as well

but I wasn't

and I'm not in Africa taking safari shots

or images of those still dieing of hunger aids and malaria

or a photojounalist

for the latest college riot

or street killing

or 

I work in a gift shop

dusting things to buy

and luring people in off the street to buy

and unpacking boxes from china full of unnecesary things for people to buy

the world is a bad sad beautiful world

what do I compose my life around

what is my subject

and how do I wish to portray it?!