all that i am

Vincent and I, late winter early spring 1989

(taken by his big brother Domenick, who was four at the time)

Yesterday when we arrived at the house for Andrew's second birthday
we were greeted by his big sister when we walked in the door
with "we have a surprise for you, well, it's really for Andrew"
that doesn't sound too suscpicious, being it's his birthday...
but something in me knew it was more than just some really good present!
I thought he's going to be a big brother!
And the 'surprise' came out very quickly as our first moments there passed!
Baby number 5.

I remember when we discovered we were pregnant with baby number four,
our last child
our youngest at the time was eight months, not much older than he is in this picture
(one of my favorites)
I was so disppointed in myself at the time
I already felt overwhelmed with the three children we had in four years...
how could we have allowed this to happen?
poor vinnie is going to be robbed of his childhood...he'll have to grow up too soon...
and become a big brother

I beat my self up pretty badly

And I guess after bemoaning this with my husband till he was probably just tired of hearing it
he asked me, "well, what would you like to do?"

nothing
I'm not going to do anything, of course!??!

and right then I realized I'm pregnant, and I'm having a baby
and this is a good thing

the feeling sorry for myself stopped, the feeling sorry for our children stopped
and ever since then we have felt ourselves blessed
we would never have planned our children, 4 in 5 years...
but God did
and they have grown healthy and happy and close
and I'm so glad we had each and every one of them
when we did

not until many years later, when they were all teenagers
when someone we knew and loved well
innocently ask us why didn't you have more children, 'you've done such a wonderful job'
did I realize maybe we should have

but at the time it was too much
just enough
all we could handle

maybe if we would've had more
they wouldn't have turned out so well

but I'm thinking they would have

I'm thinking God's grace is sufficient

and that maybe our own fears and anxieties lead us away
from what God's will for us might have been

I don't know
only God knows

and only God provides the forgiveness for 'interferring'

and so life goes on
but by the grace of God...

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going

I do not see the road ahead of me

I cannot know for certain where it will end

nor do I really know myself

and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I actually am doing so

but, I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You

and I hope that if I do this you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it

therefore I will trust You always

though I may seem lost and in the shadow of death

I will not fear, for You are ever with me

and You will never leave me to face my perils alone

Thomas Merton