regret

So yesterday I read these beautiful words spoken from the heart of a woman who appreciates the love of her life, and I think...

oh I so agree...

and somehow I just knew I 'happened' upon them when I did as a small voice of warning...

"be aware...soon and very soon you are going to need to have to put this sentiment into practice"

and last night I was getting ready to leave for my class and my husband came in from his first day back to work after spring break...I asked him how his day back went...he asked me if we were going to have dinner...and I told him I had to leave, he would be on his own...

it was all okay

our time at home together was just moments...

and yet we managed to have words!

he began to complain about the work we are having done on our house

I'm sure it's a familiar tune in most households whenever money is involved

I've heard it before, I understand were it comes from, but for some reason I had no patience...

maybe I was tired after moving 'all' the furniture 'all' day, for a good spring cleaning underneath and behind,

maybe I was hungry myself and knew I didn't have time for dinner...

maybe I just felt like what I do always goes unnoticed

whatever selfish reason it was, what ever my motivation was to be unloving and ungiving...doesn't matter

I told him to stop, that I did not want to hear it again... and then I had to leave

ugh

then it was an evening of review...I didn't really need to be in class...

When I get home it's late...he makes me a cup of tea and I curl up next to him on the sofa

everything is alright enough to go to bed

and this morning we talked about it

and made our apologies...

He thought something really must have been wrong with me because I was so impatient

I told him what ever comes... I'm just glad I have him

I love him

after the fact maybe

I should have let him know that last night

but no...I had to hold on to being right, being unappreciated, being at the short end of receiving

I regret that I have that in me

and I confess it

...it is true...it is in me...

and that's why I need Lent and God...I need His forgiveness for my constant humanity

I need His divinity

His holiness

As I sat early this morning after a very restless night of sleep

with yet another cup of decaffeinated tea....when all I really want is coffee....

I prayed

I prayed for the power not to go down the slippery slope of thinking that my mind so automatically wants to tumble down

I remembered that it is with principalities and powers with which we are engaged in battle...not loved ones

I reminded myself how much we do have even if we do not have all the finer things that get flashed in front of our faces daily

I did not allow myself to feel whoa is me, poor suffering doing without ali

I did not allow myself to be comforted by just having a cup of that instant espresso

I trusted in just were God had me

He brought this set of contractors into our lives to do the work we need done

We do need it done

And it will be done efficiently

It is okay that I contracted them, we did agree to have the work done, I hadn't done anything wrong there in usurping my husbands authority...

I hadn't done anything wrong

I was not wrong

I am okay

He is not my father hollering at me for some unknown reason...my husband did not mean to holler at me

He was just feeling his own frustration about being a provider...wage earner

It's amazing to be 50 and to still figuring out all the ways of thought inside my head

I am just grateful

for this man in my life...

this man the Lord has given me

grateful for God's redeeming power in healing my mind, giving me the mind of Christ

and for how that has redeemed my very life

I pray that I may be holy as He is holy

and not have to fail and fall as I do...

but I am grateful, that He too fell