friday

Just finished Gift from the Sea

It was my suggestion to our women's group to read and reflect on for our first-annual-beach-retreat-long-weekend-getaway-with heartfelt love to Bernie for offering and opening her property to all of us...in September

'the beach', my favorite place, second only to 'our bed' next to my husband....

So cool yesterday and today

but instead of me loving this cool summer weather, the feel of beach...to me

i'm beginning to panic

since i'm also feeling that summer is just speeding by and almost over...

i'm going to start feeling like this wonderful weather is the first taste of fall...let the dread that summer is really gone begin?!?

me...who prides herself on living in the moment...

have so many crazy feelings

just relax

breath

it is July 24

July

the middle of summer

a perfect wonderful day

following many other wonderful days this summer.........

ahhhhhhhhhh

Wednesdays are quickly becoming my favorite day

"her get out of work day"...so my opportunity to visit with my out of the home, away daughter...

whom I miss

She is light and wisdom and word and insight and maturity and youth and past and present....

She is the wonder of my world?!? How did she come out of me?!?

She shines

She fills a room

she listens

she shares

she's become so wise

she's come through so much, so well

she lets live

she remembers

she forgives

she appreciates

...she prays

and I love her.........mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

and the time we spend as mother and daughter

we had lunch Wednesday

on the patio of a wonderful restaurant in her neighborhood at a widely umbrellaed table for what three hours?!?!

we talked about moms.....hers; me?!?

and mine....

we talked about grandmas...

forgiveness and living

jazz boys

and our boys!?

we shared a few tears

and some delicious zucchini

and all is right with the world

The day before that day was not alright

Tuesday was one of those days when, much to my chagrin, tears could not be stopped...

I had to go to the store, and ran into someone in line and felt awful talking to them, because I felt evasive...not wanting anyone to look into my swollen red eyes.......

She called at a moment when tears were flowing and I had to confess...my bad day...

So that was another thing we talked about at lunch

hormones

and being tired

and feeling denied and discontent and frustrated with my very selfish self....

but with the love of my kind and patient husband and daughter...I smile once again...

as I knew I would

even knowing that....that all will be well, this is not forever

in the moment...in that day.....I cannot seem to pull myself thru....

I so do need their help, their encouragement, their love...THEM!?!

There was a time in my life when I didn't know that 'all would be well'...

a time when I felt this would be my life forever......

the sadness was me...what I brought to this world

and I couldn't tolerate it

Thank God for God.....He truly caught me and made me see otherwise

and now I call each day a blessing, a gift

even those bad ones

because I know without a doubt that He is present

with me, always

good or bad

ahhhhhhhhhh

whether I get to go to the beach or not

(which I think was the gist of the whole sadness thing)

it is summer

and again there is no beach

that used to be our time

every year

a little place of vacation... the beach

what a blessing that was

but how i've missed it

now that it is gone

and that longing brought on a longing for other 'things' i miss

a yard, for those little nieces and nephews to play in

a pool membership

and then it was as if my whole world crumbled

our life is different

my husband is different

my husband.....

my world

but then with a few prayers and much love and a little faith

the crumbling world around me

took shape again

the proper shape

it's about the life after this life, eternity

and it's about the 'love' in this life

not the stuff

not about me

but about the giving, the loving

and I can still do that...love

and I am still loved...me?!?!

even though I have times of selfishness and I want...more

I am loved