baptism sunday

Julie and Julia
of course it made me cry
made me see and feel those tears that are always just behind my eyes

sometimes they leak out
sometimes they pour out

sometimes like yesterday at the baptism
they begin
innocently enough with a beautiful song
and a precious memory
thought
and then they just want to flow

i try to contain them for a while
be composed

but soon i just feel the need to let em pour
why am i trying so hard to not cry?!?

i cry at mass because we are so loved
because i can feel that
i believed it for a long time
but didn't feel it
know it

it's all one now
i believe it
i know it
and i feel it


always
but especially at mass

remembering

what Jesus did for us in His life, with His life
and what He did for me in my life
and what He still does in this life
and the life to come

I think of Frank's and Sharon's and Micki's mom
my kids grandma, nana
I think of Betty and Bob and Bobby

the pain and loss of this world

and the background music of our life

Be Not Afraid, Hosea

stand up now walk and live....

These are the real tears, the real issues

The movie tears touch on the inner issues
universal issues i suppose
of purpose
accomplishment

wanting
longing
dreaming

Julie's blog...her becoming a real writer
Julia's passion...out of her [our universal] need to be more
to do something

the momentary touch upon not having children

I am so glad to have our children
to have my husband

it is so much more than enough
it is a gift and a blessing
my life

yet there is this place behind my eyes
a fluid moving force
that wants to do something more

is it ministry?
is it photograpy?
is it to be recognized in this blog world?

what is it?
i trust God will reveal it to me and lead me into it...
it just seems like my feet are too big, they drag
my eyes are too dull, i can't see it clearly enough to know what to pursue
my heart is too hard and cluttered to feel what ever passion is trying to break thru

i'm making hats and playing bridge and eating cob salad........

and i want to.....

take pictures
and produce some body of work
that has meaning
for me
and for others

what does that look like?
what is it?

if only we had a couple million...we could by the 'Wingspan Farm' and open the retreat center
if i only had a degree...i could apply and begin masterwork toward CPE
if i only had a website...i could advertise and do 'professional'...real photography
if i only were a writer, an artist...

i'm a mom
and I am the woman I am...
is there more to be?
to become?

i believe all these desires of the heart are for a reason...
i will continue to pursue them and wait for them to ripen into realities

I will delight myself in the Lord
and He will fulfill the desires of my heart
Psalm 37:4