it's a small world, no, a huge world and I have a small place in it

I've made alot of these little mosaics, but for some reason,
I think this one is my favorite
is it the details...
is it the colors...
or is it that all the images seem do-able to me...
I could have done that
mostly I look at the images I see in flickr world and
I just wonder how did they do that?!?
I'll never be able to do that....
and I become discouraged
and even smaller than my usual self

I even dreamt about this mosaic last night

Somehow it was the illustration to what I was going to write about today
about the sin...I've been thinking about

I get up every morning and slip into my routine
begin my habits...
good or bad or neutral...
it's what I do...

like putting on my favorite jeans and t-shirts
easy
natural
comfortable

I make myself a cup of coffee
the hotter the better
creamy and sweet

I miss it so much when in Lent I give it up
I've been thinking of not giving it up this year

and that has caused me to ponder
am I so entrenched in this habit
this sin
that I do not want to forgo it at all this year?!?

not that coffee is a sin
but it is not good for me...
it is a bad habit
and the discipline of giving it up
somehow fuels me, gives me a sense of ability

I am able to conquer!
this little thing in my life!

It's really a sad comment
Shouldn't we all be beyond that

We are "more than conquerers"

And that's where I begin to think about my life
in bigger terms than giving up my bad habits
This comfortable, natural, routine way that I live...
may not be the best
may not be what the Lord would have for me

He gave me this life
this body
and I drink my caffeine
and sit at this computer
most of my day
doing whatever it is that I have found that I love to do

But I am not exercizing or stretching or doing yoga or walking
I eat my yogurt and granola and dried fruit and raw sunflower seeds
and I do my daily readings every day
[and I have been reading...just 'books' even more than ever]

but I really feel there is something more
with this bare minimum maintenance
I am allowing my temple to corrupt, decay, crumble around me

So
I'm feeling our dwelling...the home
will be one aspect of the equation
the drawers, the closets, the purging, like we are moving kind of cleaning, painting
and the other aspect will be the inner dwelling
where my spirit resides
giving that Holy Spirit a truly holy place to dwell

that means taking care of this body

and with the Holy Spirits guidance
looking at the sin

I wrote the other day how I had an experience of 'this is sin'

It has to do with putting anything before God
or not putting everything before God

Like how I have let the miracle of waking up to another day of life
become routine
comfortable like those jeans, that t shirt
I still acknowlege the wonder of it
every morning
I am awake, still living
still have the ability to move, on my own
still have my warm husband beside me
still have our strong shelter/home surrounding and protecting us
still have our children...safe and secure where ever they may be...

but I don't think I'm growing in it...
growing in the awe of living
growing in the awe of God
and in the gratitude and the glory of Him
and... allowing Him to use this life... for what ever reason He has given it...
for His glory

I kind of quit seeking, pursuing, pressing in
I have just found this comfortable little 51 year old nitch
in our empty nest
that I love


I'm not growing up in the Lord
I'm still that small child
that I know we are to ever be...

but I was caught off guard the other day
'when that sin entered in'
and I realized how far I have yet to go...

to grow

My feelings where hurt
and I became angry
I reacted defensively
and passed judgement...
rather than with forgiveness, understanding and kindness

even though I never said any unkind thing
it was all in my head

I realized that in that moment I allowed for the identity of who I am in the Lord
to be lost

I am His beloved child
in whom He delights

and in the loss of that
even though for only a moment
till I cried with the realization of what had happened

I became aware that that is 'the sin'
I never want to loose that place in the Lord
my identity in Christ Jesus

and what caused it was my 'fear'
of rejection
of disappointing someone
of feeling like I wasn't enough

I am enough...to Him
I need to continue to see myself thru only His loving eyes

and I think I have allowed too many other things to come between His eyes and my eyes
He has become out of focus to me...
I need to refocus...
get rid of some of the clutter...

and have a good Lent