all that i am

I awaken this Monday of Holy Week
and read my daily reflections
and think of the few things I have to do this morning
before going to make my promised visit to "Mary"
and I'm certain this is truly going to be a holy week

then I'm downstairs drinking my coffee with my husband
as he eats an omelette on his first day of break!
and I begin to count all our mismatched chairs
the chairs everyone will squeeze into around the table for Easter dinner...

and I begin to think of all the things
I will still need to do to prepare for Easter
all the things I did not get done during Lent
that cleaning out thing...that painting...

and then I think of all the cleaning I will do this week
and cooking
and last minute shopping

and how everyone else will just be
enjoying their spring breaks, their holy week...
and before you know it I am despondent

The holy Lent I intended...gone
This Holy Week...blown
by my own desire for perfection, laziness, selfishness...
ugh

and then I open my email and receive a wonderful little sharing from my spiritual director
and then I reread my daily reflections
and ahhh...life will go on again..

I am not perfect...
in my spirit
in my home
everything will never be 'all done'

but this is exactly and ONLY
where I am
right now
and I will do my stumbling, failing best...
and all the "martha-ing" that needs done
by the grace of God

and I will also come to His feet
as 'Mary' and know the forgiveness
that He offers me...

that we are to recall this holy week

and I will do my best to know and live and share that love and forgiveness

with my "mary"
and with all the relative's who come to celebrate

We must learn above all to offer ourselves~
imperfections and all~
to God.
If we keep waiting until we are 'worthy' of God,
we will move farther rather than closer to the Lord.
It is through our broken, vulnerable, mortal ways of being
that the healing power of the eternal God
becomes visible to us.

We are called each day to present to the Lord the whole of our lives~
our joys as well as sorrows,
our successes as well as failures,
our hopes as well as our fears.
We are called to do so with our limited means,
our stuttering words and halting expressions.
In this way we will come to know in mind and heart
the unceasing prayer of God's Spirit in us.
Our many prayers are in fact confessions of
our inability to pray.
But they are confessions that enable us
to perceive the merciful presence of God.

Lord, instead of worrying
about the times when I can't pray
and when I'm discouraged,
I will try to turn them into opportunities
to trust You alone.
                      Henri J. M. Nouwen~A Cry for Mercy