but my hubby is out of town
so instead of our usual end of the day talk
this is what I must do
once again
tomorrow will be the 26th anniversary of the loss
of my husband's mom
the mother-in-law I never had time to know
we were married just a year when she left us
we discovered we were pregnant with our first child
the week after we buried her
she only held one
of her 13 grandchildren
and now she has two great grandchildren
and another one due this summer
I always feel a little desperate this time of year
I think it's the combination of turning another year older
and the remembrance of that profound time of loss
I feel greedy for life
and fearful
of life coming to an unexpected end
and never accomplishing "my dream"
which I know is ridiculous
because if I go....
apparently my 'purpose'
God's purpose
has been accomplished
I also feel exceedingly grateful
grateful that I have seen all these many years
of my childrens' lives
she left six kids
2 were married...
two had graduated high school
and
two were still school age...
the youngest was just 12
I have seen all my kids graduate high school
and one from college
I have wrapped my arms around a daughter-in-law
and held in my arms the grandson she has given our family...
and for those simple blessings I am grateful
I pray I see the future graduations....
and weddings
and many more grandchildren
and so I remain overly sentimental
and cherish each precious moment
and the
'dreams' seem to fade away
and become part of "just more stuff"
and each little baby I've held over this past month
becomes what is important
my own grandchild
and my niece
and my niece's child
and my nephew's child
they remind me that it is not some 'accomplishment'
that I want
but the living
the day to day
things of beauty
and sense of wonder
babies are a blessing
and grow into children to be cherished
and life goes on and on...
even in those times when there is no understanding of
how can life just keep going on?!?!?
I read a quote by Vanessa Redgrave in a magazine today
"the love we have received from our loved ones
has already been given
and can never be taken away"
1 comment:
Ali, I can identify with your feeling of a profound sense of loss at this time of year. August 14 (my birthday!) will mark the 50th anniversary of the death of my father at the age of 36. I think of all he missed: my brother was born three months after his death; he never saw his three grandchildren or little great-granddaughter. But none of us would be here if he had not lived, and so we give thanks for the few years we did have with him.
Post a Comment