shall be your strength
Isaiah 30:12
Those two things do not seem to exist simulataneously in me
I can feel confident and strong
OR
I loose my confidence and and my strength
and I am quiet
I no longer trust my words
my thoughts
my voice
my self
when I was a child
8 or 10 or 12
I don't know exactly when
we were shopping for a pool table!
I remember being with my mother
but the whole family could have been there...
[most of my memories I recall from childhood
I'm the only one in them
and we had a family of 6?!?!]
but I remember the salesman
not so discreetly asking my mom
if I was deaf and mute?
apparently he had been trying to say 'hi' to me
and had not gotten a response
why did he jump to that conclusion?
why didn't he ask if I was 'shy'??!?
her response...was negative to his inquiry...
with no excuses given for shyness or any other thing!?!
I don't remember being a 'shy' child
I think prior to that I was just 'watching'....
and learning
after that moment
I remember suddenly realizing I was no longer invisible
from that point on I realized I was also being 'watched'
and 'listened to'
I didn't realize I was quiet as a child
till then....
when I realized how others saw me?!?!?
right around that time.... I began to keep a 'diary'
like every little girls does
and I began to discover the words I had within me
and ever since then I have never stopped writing
I was ten
I am now 52
but my words have always been mine
my journals closed to the world
lining shelves
filling drawers
until this blogging thing
that initially I felt was wonderful
and magical
words and pictures
together
and my life became an open book
but lately I feel the need
to be quiet
again
to watch and learn
I thought my photographs of what I see
would be able to speak for me
they recall to my mind
the days
the happenings
but when I look back I miss seeing what words went with them
I'm not sure how this internal conflict will resolve??!?!?
It looks like 'the words' are winning!
perhaps the confidence will follow
1 comment:
Oh, Ali...
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