all that i am

tomorrow our life changes again
the baby leaves for his European tour
     a visit to Germany and the far away family
     a walk upon the Cammino di Assisi
     and then a semester abroad

so last night
they were all home
the three youngest
     home for the evening
     and a going away family dinner
and a skype to the the oldest
     and his married with child family

I feel like my dad
he always made us very aware
of how he loved having all of us
together
(my mom still doesn't seem to place a lot of value on that...
she's just happy someone is there!)
my dad always seemed to want us all
and if we all weren't there
he'd always ask us
where is        ?
how is        ?
[who ever was missing....]
almost so that I often felt like
I'm here!
me
and my family....
is that not 'enough'

but I think I get it now
there is something special in each one
but there is something recreated in all....

a sense of wholeness



tebs says to us as we're preparing for dinner
that a few years ago when the movie came out
he made a 'bucket list'
       go to Italy
       watch a formula one race
       drive the Nurburgring
       get a job I like
           he wants to make bread at the 'daily kneads'
(what he's shared!)

but...that by the time he gets back home
he'll have accomplished his list....
he said he doesn't think that's a good thing!
he says maybe he was too young to have a list
we just told him to add too it
it's good to acheive your dreams!


bim said as he left at 6:00 this morning
to drive back to campus and his summer internship
for us not to get lonely....

we assured him we'd be fine!

did our kids not inherit that gene of ours?!?

the as much as we love being with people
and with just each other
and being busy
and cleaning
and doing
and going

we love being
alone

and still
and quiet

we've always called it alone....together

I think they must have inherited it...
it's why two of them have gotten on planes alone
to go 'walk' those pilgrimages?!?
     (not that it happened quite like that...?!?!)

but that they also got the 'together' gene

why else would the one who has lived 'alone'
....accomplishing her 'lonely years'....
be so exhileratingly happy this past week!?!?
all because of finding 'another'

it's an amazing
wonderful
and awesome process
finding your self
growing up
from baby and child
to one who leaves home
and finding someone to give that self to
and then having a child
and creating a home
a place for them to grow up
and ultimately to leave....

it looks so simple on paper!

but what a process
making sure all the parts work
well

what a blessing that it comes to us
daily
little pieces at a time
piece by piece

a dance

then a walk

 a shower

a church

a crib
a baby
 rocking in the night

a carpet to crawl on

a house with more rooms

baby shoes

grocering

errands

chores
to do

pushing things

watching the kids sleep

new backpacks

new shoes

vans

vacations

summer journals

golf balls

forts
the pool

rides to practice

to swim meets

recitals

new cars

church

family dinners

cousin visits

dr. seuss

more shoes

gardening

moving furniture

things to put somewhere

 today stories in bed

holding hands
 daily prayers
cappuchino

music

tears

walking shoes

passports

backpacks

airfares

good byes

blessings upon blessings

grace upon grace
moment by moment
day by day