It is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us. Dickens

The person who is trustworthy in very small matters
is also trustworthy in great ones....
            Luke 16:13
            (from this Sunday's gospel)
We can do no great things
just small things
with great love....
           Mother Theresa


I have lived a wonderful life
a life I have been quite content with
yet lately I have been grumbly and discontent

wondering... wanting... wandering
feeling the need to go somewhere to find myself
find my purpose

to Uganda or Morocco
like Natalie and Emily to do missionary work

I hear of the life of assassination, murder and poverty
from our deacon from El Salvador

I drive down the streets of my own little town
and see a rumpled young couple with two little ones in tow
and then see that she is also expecting

I see a disheveled woman
pushing a misshapen woman in a wheelchair

and I am paralyzed in my own little realm of influence
where there is plenty of work yet to do

I visit my hospice guy....

and my mother-in-law who just had her hip replaced

and I hear from a dear friend
who has been struggling for weeks with dibilitating back pain
and finally feels a little better
and made brownies and did a load of laundry....

and I regain that gush of gratitude that I have lost

I had allowed my days, my summer to become routine
I had become accustomed to living
just as I have always lived
feeling I had a sense of gratitude and generousity
but allowing want and desire
to suck me into a hole of discontent

desire for good things
yes
a longing for more
bigger better service
more ministry

but
no
my life is small
my call is here

for now....

my God given life
the life I wake to ever morning

on waking, I shall be content in Your presence...
    Psalm 17


As Autumn begins
   the beginning of a new school year
   the beginning of longed for cool mornings and evenings
       though the days still remain hot
I feel the need to reflect on these past three months
this past summer

maybe my somber sullen sadness seeped into these daily posts
     maybe not
maybe I've written around it
     lived around it

Perhaps it was the oppressive heat and humidity of these long days
Perhaps it was the husband being home every day
Perhaps it was the emptying of the nest
Perhaps it was necessary that time needed to pass
    to forgive myself for what I should've known
    to forgive myself for what I should never have said
Perhaps it was the Lord leading me thru a desert

But I found myself in a place that was very uncomfortable
a place I had never been before

All my adult life my days have been infused with contentment
accomplishment
purpose
and the certainty of being just where I should be
and doing just what I should be doing

It was no great life
just an ordinary life
of babies and nursing and being a mom
of wiping bottoms and noses and mouths
         and countertops and toilet seats
         and kitchen floors
of folding laundry and washing uniforms
of picking up toys and socks and shirts and the kids
from pre-school and after school
from lessons and practices

there were these people I gave my love and my life too
they were happy
I was happy

I was never one who struggled with being home
who wanted to go back to work
I loved being a home maker
I loved my home
and being home
my husband
my children
my life

and as our children left home one by one
I felt great satisfaction
that they had grown
and were happy
and able
to go off on their own

and I began to look forward to the days when I would be home
with myself
to do what I wanted
when I wanted
without others' schedules
dictating my days

I looked forward to the days of me and the hubby

When we first married my husband's Nana gave us two pieces of advice
that we have tried pretty closely to live by
She told us to "never go to sleep angry"
and to remember that
     "loving your spouse came before loving any of your children
      and that they will be the one who remains
      long after the children have gone"

So we have always lived and loved with intention
We raised them in love
with love
so they could grow, and go and lead their own lives...

and so I was totally blindsided by myself
when this summer began and I found myself
alone
unnecesary
uninspired
out of sorts
disgruntle
discontent


this is what I had been expecting and anticipating
over the past few years as the children began to leave

me time
us time

but suddenly all the wiping and washing and picking up
wasn't infused with the same meaning
it was just housework
and the me time became a huge terrifying looming question
what will I do with me?
it wasn't suddenly like we had all the time in the world
to go on outings and picnics
and he could serenade me on his guitar all day

the husband had his own full schedule
which only emphasized
that I was feeling unmotivated and depressed

so perhaps this is what empty nesting is about
and I was just confused
about what I thought it would be about
I thought it would be about missing the kids
I do
but they are happy and  healthy and good
doing just what they should be doing

just as it should be
just as I want it to be

perhaps empty nesting
is suddenly waking up to 'me'
and a whole different life
to fill

and that has been my dilema this summer

what was I going to be now that I was grown up?
what am I going to do with this next stage of my life?

questions
that only I can answer
but that I had no answers to
I only had impatience and frustration with myself

Finally last weekend things began to fall into place
I began to realize that I have been focusing on
those questions those answers
I was always seeking God through it all
in and around and behind and beneath it all
but I had moved the questions and answers...
to the central position...
God was no longer at the center of it all
I was seeking Him for the answer
not just seeking Him
I was wanting something from Him
not just Him

It seems that it was in an instant that He revealed that
to me!
and in that instant it was as if it all changed
but it really was steps all along

fasting
praying
doing what I knew to do
and then waiting for God to do the rest

but suddenly it has begun to change

the tears that fell into my ears as I lie in bed
that usually kept me up into the night
have turned into a sweet sleep
but not first without waking me to say
look you're not crying anymore
you are asleep
feel the peace...

and I knew God had finally heard my night time plea
and I rested in Him

even the heat lifted
and I felt like moving and doing again

As I drove home one afternoon
I smelled the warm aroma of baking bread
and in my heart I prayed
   give us this day our daily bread
and I realized He does

the far away family is coming for a nice long holiday visit
the girl is happy and in love
one boy is realigning his heart, perhaps turning it once again towards the one we love
and the other boy is more radiantly happy than I have ever seen him
the hon feels like he may imparting on what he has dreamed of his entire life
and my phone rang requesting me back to work

and after spending a just a few days last week
caring for my five little nieces and nephews
stepping back into my old life as a mom [an auntie]

I am realizing once again
that I too, am God's child
loved
not for what I do
or don't do
not because
    I sleep thru the night
    or have three teeth
    and can crawl and pull myself up

but because I am God's child
and He just loves me
He gave me life
and delights in me
He created me to love
and to love

I can depend on Him, trust Him
snuggle up into His arms with my crankiness
and He soothes me
and He will bring what He will into my life...
big
or small