how does fear manage to wiggle it's way in?

in the not so distant past
fervently and confidently
with fasting
I have prayed

and felt such a blessed assurance

last night at prayer group
we were asked to write down our petitions
on a snip of paper
that as a group we would pray over
and then distribute
so one person could hold up your prayers together with you
until the next time we meet

and suddenly
the blessed assurance I had all those months of
holding those prayers before the Lord
became a looming question mark
what IF it isn't God's will??
AND maybe...
this question is the beginning of His preparing me
for something other
than what I am praying for
AND I need to begin to let go
and allow God's good and perfect will

and right there is where the fear trickled in

not get what I want?!?!
surely these are good things I ask for
surely I know what's best for my own children!!!!

what a hard thing to let go
and let God
to trust and wait and believe
in God's desire for only goodness and mercy
HIS BEST
for us
for all the days of our lives...

but I will not be afraid!
I do believe
I will reclaim the confidence we have been given by Christ
thru His perfect work on the cross
and by the power of the Holy Spirit
to ask and receive

and I will add this new dimension as well
the answers may look a little different than what I may be praying
but they will be above and beyond
all that I could ever possibly imagine
or hope



when did our lives become our children?
he's here...
she's there
he's doing such...and such
they're there...

even my hon thinks in terms of the kids
he said as we walked in the house last night
"do you realize our four cars...are in four states right now?
my dad would be proud!?!?"

I guess it was that night they were placed in our arms
or when they were conceived!?
or maybe even further back
when we were not even married yet
and just talking about children
what would they look like?
how many?
making plans to marry and make a home together
so we could have a place for them...



I'm thinking I'm missing my camera
my view of the world
I've been using recycled images
and borrowed images
and I think I'm finally feeling a disconnect
that the inability to capture the images
that go with my days
is having

it has put me in this role
of lifting other's images
to represent my life?!?
so...
I do not have a life!

I need to get my life back!!?!?
ugh
now that's another sad story
no camera....no life?!?

or maybe it's a good thing
that we all somehow share this life so seamlessly?!
seeing it together...
living it together