all that i am

at first
all I could think of
was his waking up
and wondering where he was
where his toys and stuff were
where those other people he used to see everyday were

was he walking around
looking for the little brass plates in the floor
was he going from room to room
looking for the dirty carpeted stairs
that take you up
maybe everyone was up there...
or was he pressing his little face to the windows
looking for something anything familiar outside

and my heart hurt so bad
because the questions could never be answered
because his questions could never be asked

but there's been a shift
I think sufficient time has passed
that he's probably totally forgotten
everything he used to know

his little life is full
of arms to hold him
and family to surround him
and love to embrace him
full of discovery
and beauty
and goodness
and all the oh so many things little ones learn
and do
and experience each and everyday

and his little unvoiced questions
and searchings
and memories
have surely just faded away...............

that makes my heart still hurt
but in a different way

living his little life now
so...far away