ten days

last week something unexpected made me cry
'unexpected' really being the operative word here!
because I pretty much expect to cry at everything anymore

facebook....anniversaries, falls

target billboards....
warning signs on household appliances....

recollection, sentiment
regular companions
of my regular life

kids coming and going
moving in and out...still!?!?

life decisions
tears
struggles
confessions
hopes
dreams
fears

all theirs now
yet they will always pull and tug on my heart strings
the strings directly attached to my tear ducts

so I'm driving north
to visit two of our kids in their own home town
I'm listening to a talk show
realizing I'm probably just about to loose reception
as I drive thru the mountains
when I do begin to loose reception
but without switching stations
another station picks up
it's some beautiful classical piece
but it doesn't come in strong and constant either

so what I'm hearing is this very interesting talk show
that I'd love to hear the conclusion of
and a beautiful piece of music
that I'd love to find out who the composer is
and intermittently static
static....fading advice...static...lyrical expression...
question...static...crescendo...static

and then it's all just gone
silence

and I realize tears are running down my checks?!?!?

then I had a similar experience
at mass the other night
a little more expected this time
we had driven down to the church
where our son plays music on weekends
and as often happens
his opening chord always seems to open my tear ducts....
especially now
when he only has two more weeks here in the states
before joining his little family far far away

but something additional happened simultaneously
the older parishioners began to sing....
some a couple of beats off
some a couple of octaves off
some actually singing different words?!?!

I actually laughed to myself as I recalled
my experience with the static in the car

then last night
my hon and I were sitting inside after dinner
with the tv on
and our son and a friend of his
who had joined us for dinner
went out onto the front porch
and began to play guitars
and sing together

and suddenly in that beautiful consonance
all the dissonance made perfect sense

there is so much going on right now
there is regular living and life

nice warm dinners to cook on these cool transitional days
with local butternut squash
and heirloom tomatoes

there's banana bread baked
with two new little friends

and smart wool socks to buy

furnace men and plumbers to schedule

sewing machines to take in for repairs
so the blue jean quilt can actually...
finally be finished!

and there's priceless glimpses caught of a son walking to class
the weight of his world carried upon his shoulders
as I take off to do errands

later he will ask to borrow the car
so he can go do his errands
a new sugar bowl
a new toilet brush

there's a new home for the gift that has adorned our foyer
since Christmas

a foyer now full of boxes labeled and tagged
ready for their big appearance

there are still wedding programs out there being proofed
and escort cards to be finished

but in between it's nice to think about the regular things
nestled right in there with the big things

and even the things I'd rather not think about right now
the things that hurt my sentimental sensitive emotional heart
the things that are the static of my life
the things that no matter how much I think about
I can't make come in clear
I can't understand and make sense of

the things that no matter how hard I try to tune them out
are part of the background music of my mind

the missing of the little toddler that I think about constantly
I see little babies about Santino's age and
I get all missy and weepy
I see pictures of little babies that remotely remind me of Santino
and I get all missy and weepy
I see actual pictures of little Santino
and I have to look away
I get so missy and weepy
I miss our grandson...
that new part of our family
It makes me sad that we missed their wedding
as we get ready to celebrate this wedding
and I miss that they will not be present
and
I get all missy and weepy that three days after the wedding
our son
will be moving, to go live abroad
leaving forever, or at least
for a very long, unknown amount of time
he will join his little far away family where they live
and they will make their life together...

then there's the wedding preparation
and anticipation
the beautiful nuances that swell and fade
even before the actual event
as we try to think of every detail
and talk about and prepare for
the changes that will come
and at any given moment anything can make me weepy over that

then there's the fresh heartbreak and life decisions
'with no answers'
of our other children
their struggles
their lives

It is simply amazing to me that this is all able to happen
simultaneously
what we can feel, do, think, worry about... pray about
prepare for, and never be prepared for
all at the same time

but like the furnace guy said...as he walked out the door
"everyday is a good day..."
ten more till the wedding
thirteen more till dom goes...

and then we'll see what life holds beyond the days........