Emmanuel

four weeks ago
I was in pain and confused
full of unanswerable questions
that were not mine
but clung to every part of me
I tried all the usual remedies
I asked questions
talked
cried
listened
read
and finally with the lighting
of the first purple candle
my raging soul was still for just a moment
and prayed
and the next day the spirit within me prayed
a little longer with a little meditation
upon all the thoughts swarming around in me
and the call to stillness
of the words on a page
and the next day were tears
and my own words of prayer
released by that spirit struggling
within me
       you believe in God believe also in me

       for I am with you always

       cast your cares upon me
       for I care for you

the world around me was preparing for Christmas
I too was bustling about

preparing for Christ

preparing a place for 'God' to come

I did not want Him to come to my grumbling sad unsettled place
I wanted Him to fix Himself the place He wanted
to prepare His own space within me

what needed to be done?
I had done all I knew to do
I have done all I could do
all these fifty three years
and here I am
saying I believe
yet I doubt
I kick
I despair
I cry

what really needed to be done here?
a tree indoors?
more gifts?
more cookie ingredients?
more lights?
more Santas to add to the collection?
more cleaning?
more perfect?
new traditions?
no traditions?

maybe...
less
maybe take away all expectation

expectation seems to be
what deterred much of the world
from receiving Christ the first time He came

and I too have my own expectations
I have always imagined...
I have hoped for...
I have prayed for...
I want...

perhaps it's not about me
and what I want
even when that want is good
when I want good for another who wants

God somehow aligned the stars
at the time of Christ's birth
kings came
angels sang
and shepherds quaked

did he forget the detail
of perhaps a bed
for the birth of His only son?

did He forget to provide the women
who would normally surround and assist with the birth?

did He forget anything?
does He forget anything?

I don't think so

and so
I do not think He has forgotten me
nor those I love

so in these three purple and one pink weeks
I have had the sheer delight
and humble pleasure
of the coming of Christ
into my very soul

Somehow He has come
into that place
that for so long
has wanted more
has wanted perfection
has wanted to understand
and He has brought His joy
His perfect peace
His love
a stillness and rest
that all my life I have hoped for
and have never been able to achieve
or attain

Somehow this time
as I desperately tried to hold on
to every precious moment
before it passed
and mourned all the precious moments
that have past
in my own quiet desperation
I have known His presence
in the present...

I was not ready
the place I thought I was preparing for Him
was the furthest from being ready
that it has ever been

'not prayed up'
not fasting
not adoring
not awaiting

full of ever wandering theologies
and unsettled philosophies
strewn with hay of cluttered thoughts
not swept and orderly
not as I thought it should be

but He came
in the fullness of time

everything is not as I think it should be
but He comes with His plan

God is working
and accomplishing His plan
as He has for generation upon generation
and I am part of that plan
I am part of His scheme

and so to are all the fellow pilgrims
on this journey
the ones luckiest enough to get a room
the lowly shepherds
the coming kings
the stabled animals
who are right where they are meant to be
breathing their warm breath
into the evening air

God has not forgotten us
we are not somehow just trying to make our way
on our own
God is very near
with us
Emmanuel
in the details
in the quiet place He longs to create
in our very little
God made human souls
somehow He comes....