all that i am

a little girl named Talia
sat in the pew in front of me on Sunday
she is probably about six or seven
yet she somehow revealed something to me
that I have been struggling with
so much of my life

she sat quietly during mass
with a bulletin someone had left
and a small pencil found in the song book rack

and she drew

she drew in the unsold ad squares on the back of the bulletin

just little bitty compositions
in pencil
but they were beautiful little pieces of art

I've been to art school
twice?!?!
I produced adequate canvases
and sufficient marks on paper
to get through...

and I've worked in the creative field
most of my life
graphic design
interior design
wedding invitation design!

but I've never produced a body of work
that I would call 'my art'
I've never been one to lock myself away
to produce
to make art

I've been behind a camera...
almost all my life
   my father encouraged all of us
   from very early ages...
and most recently I've felt this is 'my art'

It's not too messy

or too labour or time intensive

It's immediate
and I'm usually generally satisfied with
the results I get

but I do not feel I am a photographer
or an artist

yet I want to be...
one or the other or both

and as I get closer to "the hour of my death"
    which is an amazing concept to me
    as of late!?!?
    to think that "Mary" is praying for us
    'NOW and at the hour of our death...'
    she knows when to begin praying
    when that hour has begun...
    in 59 minutes we will enter eternity
    and she ushers us in...prepares our way...
    while we are yet unaware?!?!
        as we go about our day
        driving to the grocery
        working at our job
        folding laundry
        sleeping in our bed...

        or does she actually pray for us
        the minute after we die
        .....for an hour?

and if she knows the hour we shall die
and is praying
Jesus knows the moment, the day
the month, the year...
when all along it is totally unknown to us....

and if I did know
what would I do
how would I spend that last year?
last month?
last day?
last minute?

as Jesus looked on...

It's been amazing to me to think on!
just grasping the idea that death is always eminent
simply because we are living...
and realizing that I am closer to entering eternity
now than ever before...

well
it's made we want to do the thing
I have always 'thought' I wanted to do

but it terrifies me though
to think of actually trying to be an artist!

I like dabbling...as I do
not competing with those real 'artists' out there
how could I ever compete?!?!?

and I'm such a critic...
I hate the idea of others being critical of me!?!?

I spend hours looking at this screen
at postage size photographs
at playing card sized paintings
and I discriminate
do I like this
no
it doesn't quite fit my aesthetic
it's not exactly what I want to see

yet what is it I long to see
to create?!?

my ideal of beauty
my expression of truth

and how in the world do I go about producing that?!?!

and so...this week a couple things spoke to me
the first being a few words by our founding fathers...

“Either write something worth reading 

or do something worth writing.”

—Ben Franklin

“If you want something you’ve never had, 
then you must be willing 
to do something you’ve never done.”

—

Thomas Jefferson “One of the most satisfying experiences I know-  is just fully to appreciate an individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset. When I look at a sunset… I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple in the cloud color” … I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds. It is this receptive, open attitude which is necessary to truly perceive something as it is.” — Carl Rogers

the first two quotes just seem quite applicable
and the last seems to make the approach
to my problem of 'producing perfection'
a little more approachable!?!?

I can and do appreciate sunsets...and individuals

It's appreciating art that I'm a controlling snob with!!!

and it's not so much 'the product'
the artwork, the photograph, the painting...
as it is my own internal vision
how I want to 'see' it....

of course I cannot look at the work
of someone else
and expect it to look like how I would do it!?!?!
I MUST do it!!!

and then I can say...
'it needs to be softened
just a little in this corner
or needs a little more color over here'

.......and so.......
TALIA
kind of brought all these thoughts together for me
in her precious little pencil drawings
in the little bitty open ad spots...

she doodled, scribbled....
then printed her name!
         that is how I knew her name...

no one would confuse her little childlike drawings
for a paid for advertisement!!!
and she wasn't trying to compete with the ads

she was simply responding
to the beautiful blank spaces

I want to create like that
I want to fill some small space
that up until this time has been left blank...

It needn't be hung on walls
or plastered on web sites

I just need to do it
then
scrawl my name across the bottom...

what's so terrifying about that?

and as a small aside
this weekend I put together a few
of my wedding photos...