a soft rain
tires splashing aside water as they go by
the garbage truck two streets over
birds
more than two weeks since words
and not so sure of them now
my words are ridicules
prideful
painful
not saying what I mean
saying "I do this and this..."
"I've done so and so..."
I don't mean to be boastful
I'm not bragging
what I'm saying is...
what I mean is...
where is the blessing?
if doing this little thing
and that little bit....
is supposed to bless
is supposed to bring holiness
where is the blessing?
where is the life of holiness?
shouldn't it feel different than this
following a little pamphlet for 9 days
some powerful spirit filled blessing to be bestowed
reading the dailies everyday
many more words than in a pamphlet
much more promise?!?!
looking waiting praying
waking with thanksgiving
another morning
coolness once again
overnight rain on three little green tomatoes
a new day
a new week when summer officially begins
beach 'tours'
beach vacations
deck parties
family
raspberry blue
friends
kisses goodnight
sheets up
cool evening breezes
billowing lace and wandering words
gently moving over my head
bokeh colors playing behind my eyelids
sparkling green and blue
voices somewhere
a little dog with quick single barks
smoke from someones fire pit
open window cool nights
a crescent moon
a full moon
looking waiting praying
flossing
spinach smoothies
twenty minutes of walking everyday
8 hours rest
coming once again every night
looking waiting praying
a year of looking
unable to see
of waiting
unable to understand
of praying
avoiding feelings
that well behind my eyes
being grateful
giving thanks
the softest of rain
coolness pressing in
and
finally it comes
after a year
looking waiting praying
to the day
as clear
as a vision
sin
I thought it was all feeling
emotions
how do I get a handle on this
wrap my mind
wrap my arms
around it
contain it
work thru it
deal with it
after a year
looking waiting praying
just now can I finally hear it
finally bear it
finally see it
sin
pride
I want
I deserve
envy
'they' have
'they' have always had
anger...
greed
I want
more
more than what I have
more than what I have been given
more than what I have been blessed with
it is not enough
I want
more
sloth
okay
whatever
I don't care
gluttony
I will fill myself with something other
stuff
to keep my heart
my mind quiet
chocolate
which I had given up for more than a year
white mochas
suisse mochas
pinterest beautiful mochas
crunchy things
expensive things
things for which I have no need
lust
undirected
unordered
inordinate desire
a year of oscillation
trying
to allow myself to feel what I was feeling
to embrace
to come to terms
and
trying to squelch every feeling
and all the hurt and questions and pain
pushing down
repressing
squinching eyes tightly shut
now it has been named
for what it is
more than feeling
more than emotion
I have sinned
confess it
be forgiven
and live
in the freedom joy beauty my heart truly desires
what it was made for
a year when all the other years of my life's wants
and longings were trumped by one true heart desire
the cottage with big blue hydrangeas
on the ocean block of the beach
falls away
I just want...to accept...
what is
to trust
to know again
that God is big
in charge
God
I no longer want...to understand...
it just is...
it isn't going to change
it needn't change
and so I begin to see...
to look
to seek that one thing that I have desired always
One thing I have asked of the Lord
this will I seek
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life
to behold the beauty of the Lord
Psalm 27:4
there are...
blue hydrangeas tumbling across the sidewalks
of my own small town block
and in our very own little postage stamp yard
we have not only a blue one
but a pinkish purple one too
which has grown large enough this year
to be able cut
and keep a bunch on the dining room table for two
and sometimes three and sometimes four and sometimes more....
there are
rain drop covered green apples on the corner of our street
the rush of May and June
has drawn to it's end
and the promise of summer comes this week
a year has gone by
looking waiting praying
and maybe finally in my life
I can look
and see that the feeling
the emotion
that I have allowed to rule all of my days
will ultimately be brought to light
seen for what it is
a distraction
from what is...
from this blessing that I have been given to live
this life
this summer
this day
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