all that i am

I once was told
'you should have known'

the most painful words I'd ever heard

'I should have known'
more than just that once

but so many times you do not know
until after
and then it's too late

there you are
already there

hurt
angry
confused
and knowing
because of that
'I should have known'

how could I have

standing here in poison ivy

asked Mary to intercede that I wouldn't get it...and I didn't...

standing amidst boxes
stacked high above me to the ceiling
grateful
for the weight of summer lifted lighter
as each and every box comes away from the wall

grateful
for the weight that took on a name
something I could put someplace
join to something
this last prayer in the airless silent stillest basement
that somehow gets reception
heard and breathless I am grateful

suffering
not in body
not in spirit, that would be far too holy
in mind emotion
my own doing

suffering is real in body
yielding to treatments
submitting to testing
nausea pain affliction

my body is strong my spirit able

and I am grateful
so genuinely grateful something in me is genuine
something I haven't felt in so long

crosses we all must carry
mine has no blood involved at all
no obedience to the point of death
no enduring shame for the joy set before me

is it a cross at all?
I do not know
and yet I cry
and fall beneath it

taking whatever it is
to the only place I know to go
before Him always
unashamed
not condemned
although there is no reason I shouldn't be
other than Him, His mercy and His grace

and I will not ever tire of going before Him
with every thing that tempts me, everything that scares me, everything beyond me
and He will not ever tire of me
I am loved

I lay it down before Him
He looks down
below
lower than the buildings lower than the street
down
low

He has been here
He came down once

He hears me
He holds me
until I am able

to stand once more
to thank Him
to live my life that He has given
in His love

Therefore let him that thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall

There hath no temptation taken hold of you but such as is common to man

        1 Corinthians 10:12-13

so often I've thought it was about the other
but there is always that piece of me
that look what I have done 

it's always about me

remove me
    what I need to say
remove me
   what I need 

You be

“You mustn’t wish for another life. You mustn’t want to be somebody else. What you must do is this:
“Rejoice evermore. 
Pray without ceasing.
In everything give thanks.” 
I am not all the way capable of so much, but those are the right instructions.” 
― Wendell Berry, Hannah Coulter



My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore I will trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude