all that i am

seen
this morning

in glaring light
what now exists together
daily prayer
and pearls of great price
long ago generously given
in the front seat of his car
in a bar parking lot
the night before we forsook all
and willing entered our vocation

seen
this afternoon

in flashes of bright
off windows and traffic and buses
a mom telling the story of her son's mental illness
behind bars since spring
beard down to his chest
hair unwashed
and as uncooperative as he was on the day of his arrest
and hope wells behind her eyes

and a daughter calls and asks if I can stay
so she can be with her mom today
as a biopsy is taken
and sadness fills her eyes

when I leave where I work I am heavy and hungry
and discouraged and don't have enough time to do monday visits
I sit under a crystal blue sky
with lunch in the lush grass grown green this wet month
and watch a crystal blue pool the color the same
this just the first week of august
the last of summer for another year

so many days of our summers spent
were the same
yet to recall them
is lost forever

I can't
it's too sad
I can't
I can't bear it
I can't
I can't help it
I can't
I don't have enough time
I can't
I'm too small
I can't
understand

seen
this afternoon

in line for starbucks
a burning bush beginning to burn
did anyone else notice

seen
a young man
walking his dog down the street
crying
did anyone else notice

seen
on the bridge we have promised each other to continue to cross
something I haven't seen in years
a young man in adidas sambas

then heard
this evening

the story of murmuring
and crying
complaining
wanting
more 'than manna'
more than what 'God gives'
of yielding to intense craving
for what was
for fish and cucumbers, melons, onions, garlic, meat

and the prayer in the desert asks why
why are You not with me
why have You burdened me with Your people
I am not able
it is too heavy
I am not enough
free me of this distress

take my life...



and the cousin of John
when He hears of his life taken
tries to get away
by Himself
to mourn
in His sadness
to pray
but He is followed

when He sees the multitude
He forgets about Himself and His sadness
and has compassion on them and heals them
and afterwards His disciples
in their keen awareness of Him in His time of sorrow and mourning
gently remind Him
ahh healings are good and all
but what about their dinner?!?!
send them away is their resolution

but He knows what they need
'they don't need to go away....'

do something...
feed them!
and they say
we can't
we don't have enough
there are too many
it's too much

and He says
'bring what you have to Me'

and they sit in the grass
by the crystal blue sea
and He looks up to heaven the color the same
and blesses
and breaks
God gives
and all are filled
and 12 baskets of fragments remain

immediately He makes His disciples get in the boat
and sends them
to the other side
before Him

and He stays...
an extra moment
with them
before sending them back on their way

and then
He Himself goes off in the evening
to pray
finally
by Himself
alone

and after
He crosses over the troubled sea
walking on water to get to them
and they don't even recognize Him
think He's a ghost
the logical interpretation after all their time together?!?!
because
they are so afraid

He knew where they were
He's the one who had sent them
He knew how to get there
thru storms over water
He knew what they needed
He tells them
'be of good cheer'
'It is I'
who comes in the dark
in the storm
in your fear
'do not be afraid'

'and You, come here...
with me
don't doubt'
and anxiously he listens and obeys
with eyes locked on His master
he walks to Jesus like Jesus on the stormy sea
then
he ascertains the situation
sees the wind how boisterous
sees where he finds himself
out of the boat on troubled water
really
and right in front of the Son of God and sons of men
he begins to go under

and Jesus
stretches out His hand to catch him

and those in the boat
who had seen it all
...the day Jesus lost His prophet, His cousin

worship