all that i am

I went to her home where I've gone now for more than a year
these were growing at my feet in her yard...
I picked them to remind her that the colors are coming back outside!

I gently pushed the door to let myself in

which always made me feel so uncomfortable
anyone could get to her and harm her
but she said it was easier for her than to always have to let everyone in

but the door was locked
so I knocked and waited
it'd take her awhile to get herself up...to walk over...
and then I noticed
the e.m.t. lock box was gone
she wasn't in there
she was gone
had she departed
or been taken somewhere
why didn't anyone tell me

she was gone
I looked around
across the street was the gardener...
and I felt like Mary looking for Jesus
for a moment
but no one called my name
I stood alone

in a panic I drove to the offices
and found a nurse who knew her name
her eyes grew wide and she put her hand on my arm
and said "I'm sorry"
I began to cry
how could I have missed the passing of my sweet new old friend
and then she said "oh no, I'm sorry"...again
"she's been moved...."

I drove and I parked and I asked for her room at the station
and I found her
asleep in a double bed room
her room mate's tv blasting
so unusual compared to her always quiet home

I sat down beside her on her bed and took her hand
and she woke
and we smiled
and I said she really was difficult to find
and she looked out the window and
she said
"even when you think you're ready
 when it's time
 you wonder
 if you really are......"
and I cried and I asked her
"what can you tell me that I might need to know
 over the next 40 or 50 years"
and she said
"be your best
 and be a good wife"
and I cried even more
and she prayed... for the first time...
usually she was just shy and wanted me to pray
but she prayed and she wept for me
that I might know even more His love
and share that love with all I know
just when I feel why... ever love again

and I looked around and the flowers of Easter were already dying
and none of her things were around her
the home she had been able to stay in for so long
and wanted to pass away in
was now empty
and she would never return there again
all of her stuff...a lifetime and world of belongings...for naught

and I wondered in this life of living
what really is important?

what really is 'my best'
is it sacrificing for love of others
or is it letting go of everything here in these walls
and doing anything and everything to follow my heart
to somehow even just for a brief moment
to have lived
the life of dreams

or is all of this the brief moment
and what we do here
just the beginning of more than we could ever even
hope for
pray for
or even possibly imagine

our time was too short I had to go
I had to leave
and return to the places I had to be
the promises I had to keep...

I wandered out
back into life
this life...I so often call mine
with the second tissue of the day
wadded up
in my little
clinched
old hand