all that i am

I will lead her
into the desert
and I will
purify her heart......
        Hosea 2:16

from our wedding
don't let fear keep us apart.....

long have I waited for your coming
back to me and living
deeply our new love

the wilderness will lead you
to your heart
where I may speak
integrity
and justice
tenderness
you shall know

but
I am afraid
but I also know it is ok to be afraid

but because I am in His presence. . . I am
but somewhere very quietly I hear
the angels and the saints all around me
lean in closely and knowingly whisper
'be not afraid'

afraid
that I have done irrevocable damage

afraid
life will never again be real
that the next 30 years
I will live obediently
but
hidden
silent

and those I love
victims
of an inauthentic me faking her way thru life
ashamed and a sham
no way to live life

and then I hear
from the rock where I sit
the whisper
again
the rustle
of green
against blue
the colors He chose
the first sounds of morning

tears streaming
heart praying
knowing
He will not leave me here with less
He will do...is doing
something great
holy
and I must continue to choose
to participate with Him
to remain close
and seek
grope
long
for Him
He is enough
He knows what He is doing
and will accomplish it
I just do not see it

and I am afraid

my heart is not pure
my thoughts are not pure
I know
and I know He knows

and I know His desire for me is for me to have a pure heart
pure thoughts
for my heart to be His
whole
and blameless
before Him
in Him
with Him

I cannot create that heart
but He can
and He is
in me

I am afraid to let go of what I know
what is familiar
afraid to imagine what may be

afraid
it may never be