...reminded to breathe

waking
to the coming closeness of the day
or is it left over from the night before?

staring
still

rising
to the morning
grateful

seeking
the Giver of yet another precious new day
thanking Him for beginning... to turn my heart back to Him
thanking Him for growing in me
a pure yearning
longing
desire
for only Him
...again

asking that He would remove
all distraction
attraction
attachment
illusions
delusions
inordinate affections

and that the desire He placed in me before the foundation of the world
...and in all of us...to be filled by His very being
...would be satisfied fully... in only Him
that I may someday be able to stand before Him
holy
as He created me to be

hearing the sounds of summer
sounds since childhood
so familiar as if white noise unnoticed
roofers
builders
digging
construction
chirping
mowing
window units humming
children
voices
playing
walking
distant talking
band camp rehearsing

washing away the heat of night
standing
under the same shower that last night cleansed the sweat of day

it is all...
...as if under water
and this water...
...that I cannot seem to get my head above
is the ceaseless tears of my unseeing eyes

no longer living in my life

driving around
doing what I need to do

remaining

in my rooms

in my home

in my marriage

but something in me has gone away

as if the life I now find myself moving through
is not my own
as if everything I am holding is one of the babies I cuddle
...it does not belong to me

I am consumed in the immediacy
yet disconnected
intensely aware
of soft head pressed snugly under my chin
hearing each gentle breath
feeling the warmth
of boney little arms and legs
flailing until met with my secure embrace
smelling the sweetness of newborn innocence

realizing that this is how my life feels to me at the moment
it is not mine
doing what seems natural
holding preciousness
knowing right now it needs tender care and love
knowing that just my presence
my living heartbeat
the warmth of my body
even on these hot endless sleep on the couch humid nights
is exactly where I am supposed to be
even though I feel somehow absent

holding
and being safely held
in place

allowing each day to be a day of healing
a day closer to the return to wholeness
and life

but oh...

"...You have given your children a sacred time
   for the renewing and purifying of their hearts
   that, freed from disordered affections
   they may so deal with the things
       of this passing world
   as to hold rather to the things
       that eternally endure..."

            Preface II of Lent
            Roman Missal