all that i am

written long and babbling and then deleted at the end

never sent

that would probably be the wise thing

today I saw myself as I am

and am ashamed

I cried when kay hugged me when I took my mom back to her this evening

I cried wandering thru barnes and noble

knowing I couldn't go home just yet

I cried on frank's chest as we watched football and the 'tide rolled' away...

I tried to explain to him what happened today

but instead I just cried

I saw myself before your first word this afternoon was spoken

excused for a moment from my decorating duties

to be runner 

getting coffee

a street wise man who in days past I've feared 

now walking and conversing about families at thanksgiving 
beside me

I turned and saw 

looking down from the road on the way to jay's

almost an out of body vision 

two saints who had appeared suddenly out of nowhere

beautiful long blue veils and a black scapular floating
walking away

I saw my real place back in this world

the same place I have always operated out of

that place of unworthiness

that place bereft of any semblance of goodness or holiness

inauthentic, impure

deceiving myself into thinking perhaps I was something special

when in actuality I really am something that should be avoided

and shouldn't be trusted

which is true 

I went back

to two hearts 

to the glow

to the ordination

to the gift

these months I have allowed myself to feel important

integral

special

like I had something no one else could offer

remember standing in the kitchen

after dinner with fr giles at the harpers

I knew

the day would come

when you would speak with disdain

of someone who once loved you

you said no

I will talk to you every day