all that i am

like a perfectly round hole punch
the sun set red before me
last night
driving home praying through tears

in mid night
I woke
the moon above me as crescent
smiled

and before the birds
a dream woke me
as I pressed in and thought it best
to 'sit down'
explanations of blue jeans beneath a hoodie
"they are mine"

and a 'hi' and a smile and then again
more tears
and
''don't you just love the way the light comes in
in the morning?"

days into darkness
evenings into light

and finding myself
again
in Christ...

for most of my life I have known
that...in Christ...is where I exist

for so long I have signed my name
'in Christ'

long ago I was lost and He found me
and once again He reveals to me...still...I am found...in Him

I have been crucified with Christ
it is no longer I who live
but Christ lives in me
and the life which I now live in the flesh 
I live by faith 
in the Son of God
who loved me 
and gave Himself for me
          Galations 2:20

Mihi vivere Christus est: 
“For me, to live is Christ.”

when God looks upon me
He sees not me...but me...in His beloved Son
cleansed and spotless blameless and holy
the bride of Christ

I have come to understand that I am beloved
just as His Son is
that God delights in me
and loves me
through His only begotten Son

but
this past year... my 56th year... has been a struggle
is it a mid-life crisis?
does this mean I will live to be 112?!?!
or
has it been a question of faith?

I have felt lost
I have lost my way
no longer feeling I know how to live
no longer fitting into the life I used to live
and feeling so very close to loosing my life
not certain I could or would ever be fit for my world again

I have questioned my life
every aspect
more than ever before
and I have seen possible in my self
things I had never before suspected

I have seen myself as the sinner I am
my sin has been ever before me
where as before
I thought I was doing pretty good?!!

and I have seen myself redeemed
by the sacrifice of my Saviour Jesus Christ
who came into this world for just such a purpose...
for me

I have always thought that when I am afraid or worried
it is because I am not believing what I know to be true

but naming this year's fear
has been hard to do
and confronting it's truth has been even harder

I am middle aged
56 now
beyond middle aged...really
who lives to be 112?!?!
I am old...
and I am afraid
afraid
of what will be at the end of the living

will my life have been worthwhile
will I have lived it to the fullest
will I have been happy
will I be holy

will my Lord be pleased

and even scarier
is there really eternity?

until this point in my life
I have believed fully in eternity

years of hospice work
...years of believing...

but lately I find myself afraid
grasping and groping
trying to have it all...here and now...
because how could it possibly be better... someday
in some far away perhaps non-existent place... someday

all I know is this...
...this...here today...now
and yes I do see that the earth is full of God's glory
the sun, the moon, the stars
the green, the rain, the sands, the birds
birth
our health, our safety
our wonderful brains and bodies
our mouths and words
our affections our hearts
our trying
our dying

the grey
the worn, the sickness, the pain
the life of laboring for not
the alone

and I want
to assure that my final years
these last days will be happy
somehow
my desire for holy has faded away
I want happy...I want assurance
certainty
I want to see it have it experience it
all
right now

but today
on this feast of Mary Magdalene
I see
I am afraid
I am not believing
what He has said is true

do not cling
even to Jesus
in the now
in today
even He must go...away
enter into eternity
to His Father
Our Father
My Father

I need to hold freely
to hold loosely

just like how I had to come to believe in forgiveness

and wholeness
in belovedness
and how I had to come to believe in purpose

I must come to believe
that there is more than just this present here and now
there really is ever after

and what I should be grasping for and groping after
is the Only thing that can be grasped and held onto
the One thing I was made to grope for
The One...

Acts 17:26
He has determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings
so
that they should seek the Lord
in the hope
that they might grope for Him
and find Him
though He is not far from each one of us
for in Him we live
and move and have our being

I must live
this life...my life
as it has been given
IN HIM
I must relinquish the idea of thinking I have control
that I know best
that I can possess
grasp
any of it

I am responsible in it
my actions
my thoughts
what I do
what I fail to do
but
"I have been crucified...with Christ
never the less I live...
and the life I now live
I live
by faith
in faith
in the Son of God
who loves
me
and gave
Himself
for me"
      Galations 2:20

how did I forget this?!?!

I must make present
what I believe
I live in faith
I live in truth

even though I do not see it now
even though I do not know it now
even though I can do nothing but believe it for now

I must live it now
as if it is..............

for
it
is

...blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed...
            John 20:29