all that i am

I feel like I can't do it one more day
there's been too many
and I have not lived any one well

I've talked to priests and confessed
I've confided to only the closest of friend
I've cried and I've sat at Kay's sweet precious feet
but to no avail

I pray in the dark with each dawn
and I've learned there in that sweet smelling place
there in the dark
there is One
Another
that knows my heart and my spirit my words and every memory
that sees my wants and my sin my life and my death
and wants all that I am and all that I am not
He holds me
all of me
safely
sweetly
for those moments
these moments
and for ever

I've prayed to go there to be where He is
perhaps an instantaneous horrendous car accident could usher me there
or alter somehow the life I now live here

and then it happens
but not to me
I remain
oh my Lord
You can do it, could do it, did it
but I am left here

Oh Lord I do not deserve to be here

why when teen girls need there own mama?!?
when my kids are but raised....

why am I left to live this life that I've so tarnished
this life that I so no longer understand
this life filled with business scribbled in calendar squares
littered with texts of urgency encouragement congratulations and humor
when there are only few words from one I long to hear
this life that now is lived without heart

here I remain
and so Lord
I surrender submit to You yet again
you have kept me here with Your others wandering the streets
smoking in corners searching through garbage

I do not know Your purpose for me here
I need not know
but I give You the life You have given
to do what You will

I need not know of it
I trust You to accomplish it
to will it and do it
as I continue to weep and come before you like the stray cat with the gift of dead mouse
I may be presenting before you a despicable gift of death and sin and stench
but right now it is all I have to give
it is my thanks, my praise, my life so far
I look for you to teach me how
to bring my scraggly stray self
to Your ankles to Your hand to Your lap
to Your cheek to Your loving heart's embrace

teach me to love
to live again
to know Your delight
to know joy
to know only Your love

philippians 2:12-18
psalm 27
ephesians 3:20
all today...

and a heart caught in the damn naked tree this morning