saturday morning

overcast

it's supposed to be in the 80's today

I was going to hose the front porch and clean the back deck and place the summer furniture

and then go to the used book store

but it's overcast

and I my husband asked me to have breakfast with him, so I went to the hotel where his retreat is being held to have breakfast with him and was asked if I could help with lunch, and so now I'm going back at 11 to help serve lunch to the guys

it's only 9:30 yet i feel the day is thwarted!?!

it is not sunny...i want it to be sunny...

then I could hose now and then shower and then go and serve...

and then go to the used book sale and buy some old books...

and then do some art...

Wasn't I the one yesterday who talked about knowing we are part of God's plan...no matter how mundane it may seem, no matter how inconvenient or against what we may want... things seem to take us

and here I am begrudging the God given day

it's not that I don't still recognize it all as part of God's plan...

I still know that

It's just seems that so many things that I want are thwarted, small things...big things...

SUN

a real camera

the possibility of attending an art workshop

the beach

the man I married

I need to just be

here

here

in this wonderful place

with what I have

I need to be content

I need to unfurl... just like the ferns I discovered doing this very morning...in my very own yard

after trapsing all the way up the mountain looking for them!?

right here

under where my husbands rock bins were, that I've been asking him to move...

that he finally moved...

I'm clenched...holding on still, at some level, to what I thought I had released into God's hands

I need to unfurl

open up

and be

as I am

and continue to become

who God see's me to be

It does mean sometimes giving up what I want,

but I know how senseless and meaningless and worthless holding on to some things are...as I do

like wanting it to be sunny...it not being sunny, shouldn't ruin my day?!

serving the men is a fine thing...a much more important thing than a freshly hosed porch?!

and I can go and minister to those in the hospital

but I'm tired of ministering to my own husband

of listening

but not being listened to

of doing and not being noticed

of wanting and not having

and that is the crux

that brought the tears

how can he be so detached about my surgery,

why doesn't he notice that the ceiling is blue,

why doesn't he care when I'm up all night sick

I know he does care, but I have an expectation of what that caring looks like

and when his attempts don't meet my expectation

when he does what he does

and not what I would do

I somehow begin to worry, and to be afraid...maybe he really doesn't care...maybe he isn't able to take care of me...who will take care of me???? who will love me...

i need to

just...be content...

with the man he is

I continually need to look past the way he does things 'differently than the way I do things' and realize it's okay

I'm okay