i'm with anna

a long comment on coversion diary's blog and her many comments

the tears behind my eyes had trouble staying there again, as I read the comments on Jen's blog

about writing and being published
but what she writes transcends just writing, it touches on everything we do
creatively
and just in our daily lives of living
our service
our obedience to our Lord
our purpose
and our response to it

are we prideful?

are we reticent to even discover what that purpose is?

do we think we know what our purpose is
and over value it
and ourselves
or even devalue it
and ourselves

I'm like anna
"I feel every scrap of what I write and what I have done will be of value someday
when i'm that great and holy saint"
that I long to be

that 'only dead artists can be famous' syndrom?!?

meanwhile, I can't even bare to read my old journals
and go thru all my stuff
and I value it?!?
who will possibly value it more than me?!
who could possibly care about it even more than me?!?


I read last night

know yourself,
know your heart,
live and create from that place
Marisa Haedike Where Women Create

I word it differently
we must find ourselves in Christ
and loose ourselves  in Him

know whose we are, we are His
know we are valued, by Him
know what we do is valued, important, has purpose, in His kingdom

and know He delights in us

with all this running around for our family wedding this weekend
everyone's busy doing things
like we all do everyday
but I kindof have a better visual of it when it all evolves around a single event, like at Christmas time

only I am doing the things I am doing
only his mom her stuff
only the bride her stuff

if I didn't do my things
they wouldn't get done

that's all
if it's important enough to be missed someone would notice and do it
if not
it won't

like putting away the folding soccer chairs... unloaded from vinnie's trunk when he went back to school, that have been leaning up against the garage doors for a week
they don't matter in the scheme of wedding at all
but when the girls come for the bridal party tonight, the chairs will not be there?!?!

flowers and food and mothering matter
not having the flowers would matter
but would not stop the wedding from proceeding
food...the same, it adds to the celebration...but isn't what we celebrate

mothers in our lives
they matter
fathers
they matter
their presence

life will go on without them

must

but...

like Bernie says
our presence or our absence makes a difference

that's the stuff of God
creation
love
presence

that's my God question...
why when some things are so important, crucial?!
are they torn from us

9/11 fathers, mothers, children, husbands, wives taken
fathers, mothers, children, wives, husbands left

why?
we can't answer it I guess
we just must continue..
how?


I remember when I fell into this blog world
I felt such purpose
this was it
the culmination of all my years of journaling
photographing
in one

and I had one
three
and now, wow 12 followers?!?!??!?!

it does make me wonder at some level
is this really what I thought God had lead me into...
12?!

i read blogs with hundreds of followers
i read blogs with comment after comment

i don't fit in
again
the story of my life

i am not enough
i am not good enough

but
today at 51, even though the tears burn the back of my eyes with their warm pressure
i know this is it
even if just for this year
this season
this little while

i do not feel it is time to quit yet

twelve is actually a good number, huh?!?
Jesus started with just 12

I think the universality of the sharing that occurs in blogland is what is so dynamic and inspiring
so many of us have the same questions
about so many things


i am not a writer
i am not an artist
i am not a professional photographer
i am a mom, a wife, a woman
i take pictures
i scrawl out of few words

but this is all i am

all i have to give

what i was made for
i am enough

and one of these days
i will not just know He delights in me
i will see His delight

in the meantime
i pursue what is before me

i pursue Him

cs lewis...
I believe in Christianity as I believe the sun has risen,
not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

and i do these little things in my day, which is my life

sure i would like ....
to be the young mom who takes beautiful baby photos on the today show?!?
or julie with a world wide following  for her blog and a book turned movie about it?!?!
or  to be published in somerset, artful blogging, or where women create
or create something with all the thousands of photos i've taken like Chrissy
or simply have a zen clay small town exhibit
i'm not thinking nyc...

but that is not there for me...
here is here for me
and until God places the next thing there for me
here i remain

In Him