peaches and yogurt on my porch swing....

the first day of summer

Last night I feel asleep with warm tears on my cheek
and the cool night air resting on my damp pillow

it was as if that awful feeling
that has always clinched me this time of year...
came with a vengence!?!??!
"OHhhhhh no, summer is almost over...."

this year before it even began!

because summer days as I once new them are done...
they've been done

my babies are grown

I woke with this longing to have summer with my children again?!??!
to do it all again
simultaneously with the little ones who we now experiencing summer with....
to share those days
those times

were our days as busy and good as theirs?

I brought up some of the boxes and albums
of old pictures
out of the basement
and looked...

we did have summer....
and by chance I did capture some of those wonderful days
and it was good
and it was busy
and yet it was luxuriously slow and long....

but

my days of summer as they once were
are over
the days of sprinklers



and pools in the yard
and hoses in the dining room!
and picnics















and parades
and parks

lake visits

and amusement parks

beach vacations

























and visits to the grandparents


bible school
and music camp
and time with cousins
dance recitals
and golf
the hours spent poolside
and napping under the apple tree

the days of my summers with little ones are done...

thankfully we have a new generation of little ones
to experience and live these summer days with yet again....
anew

and it's precious
and it's fun

and there is a different kind of enjoyment
a different capturing of memories that occurs
and there's digital!!!
so many more pictures...

AND
I am so grateful that even back 'in the day'
I was indulgent enough to shoot so much film...

I'm sad now because it's done
but I can't even imagine if it were done
and I didn't have any picutres!

So I've been crazy sentimental
since I've been home
busy with living
memorial day
and meetings
and getting together with friends
and celebrating birthdays
and meeting our new neice
and visting with family
and traveling...

and it's all good...


but I think underneath all the living
I've been mourning...

mourning the fact
"that children get older
  and I'm getting older too"
      Fleetwood Mac

my days with my little ones are over
I had my day...
and it was good!

and what comes next has come
a grandbaby....
but the pleasure of watching my little one's little one
grow and smile and live
is not one I am privy to
right now
maybe someday they will be within reach
maybe someday I will watch him...
like I watch the nieces and nephews now


I'm surrounded by babies
yet their eyes are not his eyes
and their smiles are not his smiles

and for some reason
though I find great joy in their littleness
it is not enough for me
it is not what I want
I want to see Santino

I want to see him smile
and watch the life he lives
with his mom
and his dad: my kid, my little one
all grown up
with his wife
with his own family

and I think I am just now beginning to realize
that may never be....