all that i am

'how narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads 

...to life...'

    Matthew 7:14

beauty just along the edge of the road

seeing it

wondering in it

in the green

in just the bits of purple

in the unfurling of each lacy flower

in these brown eyes

and this heart that gives thanks

why do I question if I'm on the right road

why do I question where it leads

it is lined with grace

dappled with sunshine

there's no need for a white SUV

    to take me to a better place

and no one else's home could possibly house us better
    than the one we have

and someone else's body couldn't work nearly as fearfully 
    and wonderfully as the one I have been given

and have we not all been given a measure
    of the wondrous Holy Spirit

    for the equipping of 'the one body'

yet

I envy

I want

I feel constrained and limited
constricted 

and I strain against this protective embrace

I push away and turn my face and try to flee
to where I'd rather be

I find great comfort in Jesus and Peter's exchange in Luke
the great Saint Peter too had an 'attitude'
felt a loss and longed for reassurance

(Matthew's account speaks of the blessing that awaits us in "eternity"...
Luke adds a little blessing for "now")

       "Assuredly, I say to you that it is hard for a rich man
         to enter the kingdom of heaven, again I say to you,
         it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle
         than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

        "Lord, See we have left all and followed You.
         Therefore what shall we have?"

        "Assuredly, I say to you, when the Son of Man
         sits on the throne of His glory,
         you who have followed Me will also sit on 12 thrones...
         AND
         everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters
         or father or mother or wife or children or lands,
         for My names sake, shall receive a hundredfold,
         and inherit eternal life"    
                  Matthew 19:23-29

                  Luke 18:28-30 says
         "See, we have left all and followed You"

         "Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one
          who has left house or parents or brothers
          or wife or children,
          for the sake of the kingdom of God,
          who will not receive many times more
          in this present time,
          and
          in the age to come eternal life."

I really don't care about the 'stuff'
receiving many times more
What I want is God's 'blessing'
and not even the 'blessing' so much
but the knowledge, the certainty that I am pleasing to my God

and when I see my sinful attitudes
flair up in me
I know oh my Lord
that I still have soooo far to go
and not so much time now
to traverse the great chasm

When I was young
I thought the blessing was just up ahead
a little more praying
a little more time in the word
a little more time being in the Lord's presence
and He would change me
I would be transformed
I would be the holy woman I was meant to be

But now
I have grown old
and these feelings
these sinful attitudes
still reside in me
I am not yet whole
and even now I am not yet holy


but

here
along this road

here in this place

the ground is holy
the way has been cleared
by His precious pierced perfect feet

I will not trample such a great gift underfoot
I will not covet
I will be obedient
and continue to learn to be content

I will walk in His love
and love as I long to be loved

and I will enter in

...to life...





we are travelers on a road
we are here to help each other
walk the path and share the load
      Richard Guillard

the road is long
with many a winding turn
which leads us to who knows where
who knows when
     Rufus Wainwright

If you only walk on sunny days
you will never reach your destination
     Paulo Coelho