all that i am

up an hour
only now writing

not wanting to

how do my words figure in the grand scheme of things
they don't seem valuable
important

I am grateful for last week's days of thanks
for time
for list making
for cleaning
for enjoying the feeling of getting ready
to celebrate once again
friends and family

and grateful for a day off yesterday
a day to shop
and cross off lists

regular mundane things that everyone is doing right now

and yet
not all

some never leave their homes
to shop

they don't drive
they live on fixed incomes

they care give
to those they love
that are home bound
bed bound
totally relient
until their dieing day

some are on temporary bed rest
until their birthing day!

some are doing big brave things
way beyond shopping and cleaning and even birthing babies
things that jeopardize their livelihoods and family

real lives and living
and my little life in juxtaposition

yet I'm the one who writes
in this choppy incoherent way

my humble contribution to life
my skewed way of seeing things
that makes such sense to me
but never seems able to be communicated
to those I try to share with
even when asked
I can't seem to get it across

it's simple really

but maybe it has to do with 'expectation'

we have a way we understand things
our mind set

my hon and I came home the other day to a card taped to our door
saying that a package had tried to be delivered
but we were not there to sign for it

so part of my running around yesterday
included a trip to the post office

I had such expectations

the card indicated that it was from Germany
my heart soared
a Christmas package

maybe an ornament with the bambino's handprint!
maybe a cd with the do playing his music
maybe a new family photo...

and then the question
would we open it tonight
or would we wait...until Christmas?!?!

could we wait?!?

I'm leaving the building heading towards my car
I scan the label
yes it is from Germany
but it's something I ordered last month for our Christmas family grab bag...
I had forgotten about that...

my heart fell
would we even get a package from the far aways?!?

and then
an unexpected call back into reality
a friend beckoning my name
waving another card that had been taped to his door...
this was the second trip he had made to the post office that day
the first time he walked...
but his package had been too big for him to carry!?!
he had to go home and come back with his car....

he asked me to stay and help him carry his box to the car!
we emptied out all the junk in the hatch back
all the while he's talking about this huge box
he said it was from Italy
but he hadn't ordered anything
he was thinking it was wine
perhaps sent from a friend...

he pointed out the box as soon as we walked into the place
it wasn't a box
it was a crate
a large wooden crate
not square as for wine
flat
immediately I knew it was art!

I asked him if he had bought a painting!?!
he definitively said no
I said well someone has sent you a canvas...

and I saw his heart fall
he had hoped it was wine!

and then he remembered
it wasn't from Italy
he had just returned from Israel
it was a carving that he had purchased while he was there

and suddenly he was excited again!!!

okay

so I have the far aways where my package came from
logically I would think that's who it was from

he had just been to Israel
ordered this huge piece that had to be shipped
had already been to the post office once and saw the size and shape of the 'crate'
and yet still thought it was wine from Italy!?!?
a misread of the mailman's quickly scrawled handwriting

we bring to everything our preconceived expectations

I can't explain to the man sitting next to me at the meeting
how I think
because he is thinking how he thinks
he understands how he understands
he is expecting his expectations...

sometimes it frustrates me
not to be understood
it makes me feel stupid
like I can't express myself

and then I think
I am the same way
I only understand as I understand

until the Holy Spirit enlightens me and reveals
perhaps a different way of thinking
thru the word
thru life experience

my expectation is to live this life...this gift of God...
before Him
knowing that He has loved me into being
that He watches me
and delights in me
as a Father with his child
listening and responding to my 'cute' observations
holding my hand and keeping me safe
knowing when I'm having a break down
and providing a safe place to nap and get comfortable again
picking me up when I stumble and fall
and carrying me to where we need to go next

I pray to enter into eternity to live with Him forever
after this time is done

but in the meantime
I want to live a holy, obedient life
that glorifies Him

and I rely on God's grace and goodness to accomplish that in me

because I do believe that is what He longs for for me
for all of us

and yet I struggle to accept what is before me
and in me
this desire somehow that God has placed in me
to do this little bit of written reflection everyday

I don't have to do anything bigger
more important
more valuable
I do believe this does somehow please God
my little creative blip in the blogs of the blogosphere

The Merton Prayer

In Thoughts in Solitude,
Part Two, Chapter II consists of fifteen lines that have become known as

"the Merton Prayer."

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. 

I do not see the road ahead of me. 

I cannot know for certain where it will end. 

Nor do I really know myself, 

and the fact that I think I am following your will 

does not mean that I am actually doing so. 

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. 

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. 

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. 

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, 

though I may know nothing about it. 

Therefore I will trust you always 

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, 

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"
© Abbey of Gethsemani

brought to mind by sweet Irene