all that i am

looking forward

and looking back



at the end of every mass
after Eucharist
sadness overcomes me
this is the end
it's almost over

why is that a good-bye for me
when really it is the sending forth
the beginning

I remember the first time I felt it
one Triduum so long ago
the repositioning of the Blessed Sacrament

Jesus leaving
this space will no longer be as it usually is
something ominous is about to happen
something I am small before
yet
it is for me

and
then
I go
away
too
as if I have no part in it

at the recessional during this advent season
we have been chanting
"wait for the Lord, whose day is near
wait for the Lord, be strong
take heart"

be 'strong'
I've been reflecting on that
and 'heart' too

but what is 'take' heart?!!

I love this season
Advent...


Christmas time
the most wonderful time of the year

I love the cheapened carols of musak that fill every store
I love the cleaning
to make a place for the boxes of traditions up from the basement

I love placing each and every lovely thing that comes out
       only once a year
I love the menu planning

and shopping
and cooking
and cookies

and making up beds for the ones who come home

I love hoping for snow

and the parties
the people and the visiting
and driving around looking at lights
I love that most everyone is doing the same thing

but about this time
half way there
I begin to realize
it's almost over
it'll be here too soon
and then
it'll be gone

and the lights will need to come down
and the decorations boxed back up
and carried to their resting places
until
their time to reappear next year
and it makes me sad

to enjoy these days to their fullest
I look forward
and get really ready
I don't want to be rushed
I don't want to be unprepared

I want to enjoy
the lights from my favorite place on the sofa
sipping bailey's
watching miracle on 34th street
the grinch

I make ready
so I can savor those sentimental moments

I look forward
and work backwards
this is what needs to happen between now and then
and I get it done

it is most similar to Advent
to life
to living and being an advent people

looking towards the end
the coming of Christ in glory
with the angels
but living today
with the rain
the ordinary

Christmas doesn't go away
when we put it back in its box
it doesn't come to an end
after the day

the presence of Jesus
doesn't go away
when the priest repositions the Eucharist
at the end of the Good Friday service

we live
and move
and have our being
in Him

our being...
we are
because He is

and we are in Him

and the end
of the mass
of the holiday season
of life
isn't really the end

it's the entering into the very next thing...
life
always life
the beginning