all that i am

the rain has ceased
the sun shines
twenty nine degrees
autumn's spring is past
first frost crunches
under my boot
the tree line whitens rising up the hill

"Be fruitful
and multiply
fill the earth
and subdue it
have dominion
over the fish of the sea
over the birds of the air
and over every living thing
that moves on the earth"
      Genesis 1:28

God, the creator, trusted us with His brand spanking new stuff!
and told us
to add to it!!!
'have children'
'have dominion'
I trust you...

and the Lord was sorry
that He had made man on the earth
and He was grieved in His heart
       Genesis 6:6

in my life
I have been afraid
two times I have felt an audible presence in my life
speak into my fearful spirit

once with birth
once with death

I was pregnant with our fourth child
and our oldest was four!?!?

I was certain that alone would be cause
for the ruin of all of them
and myself

what awful things would I end up doing to my children?
how can I give each one what they need?
how could this have happened?
how will I do this?
what have I done?

in my heart I heard
'this is not your doing'
and instantly I knew
these were His children
not my own
He loved them more than I possibly ever could
and
He had chosen me to be their mother

'trust me, I trust you'

years later
a woman I knew and loved
was slowly dying
again I was afraid

I would drive across this long bridge everyday
to and from our home and town
always praying as I drove
my quiet time
by the time I got to the bridge each day
I was always to the point of tears in my prayers
and again
I heard in my spirit
'trust me'
and I knew
He was trust worthy
He was able

she died
and in her death I began to understand
living
grace
and love
and my life was changed

our four children are now grown
and having children of their own
there was enough...
enough time
enough love

I sigh
I pray
from my pillow
as I open my eyes
knowing that far away they are half way through their day
and from my window
watching our youngest pull away

I drive out of town
across a new bridge
I get stuck behind a school bus
picking up two little ones
two parents on the curb
waving and smiling
waving and smiling
the bus pulls away
they nod to each other
still smiling
return back to their kitchens
back to their coffees
in to their day

and then

terror

twenty little ones
not coming home today

and other little one's moms and dads
not coming home tonight

parents
spouses
children
returning
back to their kitchens
with a life that will never be the same as it was
this very morning
waving and kissing good-bye

the most awful of things
that never even entered my realm of things to be afraid of
as a new mom
has happened
how?
why?
now what?

didn't those prayers of fear go to the same place?

and yet they find themselves
overflowing the church
clinging and embracing each another

Fear not
I have called you by your name
You are mine
     Isaiah 43:1

you are all
mine
they are mine

We pray, Almighty God
that all shadows of the night
may be scattered
and we may be shown to be children of light
         (today's collect)

trust?!?

allow Him
in
to our life
love Him
like a babe in our arms
unable to take our eyes off His beautiful face
sit with Him
in the night
crawl with Him
in the sun
follow Him
as He grows us out of our scared little selves
learn from Him
in the way we learn only from our children

we are parents
we are children
we are so afraid
He alone is God
God is love


agape
opens the soul to be moved by the lives of strangers