all that i am

"in my thoughts"

first fall
so gloriously cool
warm sun
hot shower
laundry done
steak and mushroom omelete
traffic for the ride in
time to talk
traffic at the starbuck
go in smile
picking up shirts at the dry-cleaner
morning greetings 
all the while the pressing behind the eyes
nothing new
walking around with someone else's face smiling
while my eyes are staring
looking at the words whirling through my head
nothing new
it's always something
wanting what I do not have
wanting to have never known
wanting to go back
before
first fall
back to when tears were able to be spoken
back to when my mind was sound and not confused
back to the fallacy that life was pure and holy and good
that will never be
not good
not sound
prideful
sinful
self important
with rampant thoughts not captive
closing my face
closing my hands
closing me in
as it all falls out around me
and still
He catches me
at first fall
hears me
holds me steady
my unsound head my deceptive heart
tells me
 "My grace is sufficient...My strength is made perfect...
  I will make a way...
  I am the way..."