delight

a page from a journal...2005

after a lifetime of living I finally realized all I ever really wanted...
was to be holy...
with out blame
before Him
in love
               Ephesians 1:4

I prayed
fervent prayers
with sweet tears
I read
I worshipped
I served
I was known by God
I knew who I was in God
and knew the love of God

and then
all semblance of good, of holy
was somehow beyond me
out of my grasp
lost to me
gone
and I was devastated...disconnected...dismayed...depressed...disparing...disqualified

the other day
I turned the corner
onto the main street that goes through our little downtown

and unexpectedly came upon a building being razed
steam shovels and dumpsters
dump trucks and men
demolition
destruction

there was a safety fence erected
and I moved as close to it as a I felt comfortable
chain link between me and tons of moving metal

brick and mortar dangled dangerously over head

at any moment
something could shift
the grabbing clutching steam shovel bucket
could come swinging towards me

something could pull loose
and come crashing upon me
crushing me
pinning me

yet there I stood
my feet in the pristine
newly fallen snow
protected by a chain link fence

my eye upon destruction

metal echoed against metal
resounding deep within the filling dumpster
pieces were stripped from where they had steadily stood for years
releasing a shrill screech
wood and brick and block
ground against glass
pulverized
back into dust...
blowing in the cold

scraping grappling clawing falling



I used to have a recurring 'bad dream 'when I was a little girl

I'm watching myself from a distance
sitting on a small chair
balanced
upon a mountain of shifting rubble
in a dark deserted junk yard

I'm wearing a turquoise twirling dress
which I'm try desperately not to get dirty
I sit very very still

everything around me moves with groans and moans
yet I am unable to move
as if the pressure of a g-force is upon me
prohibiting me from even shifting my lace anklets in their black patent leather shoes

I always woke crying
knowing
that as still as I sat
I somehow was dirty

something being demolished
is a terrifying process
it is unpredictable
it is dangerous
it is messy
it is ugly
it is loud
it is dirty

but it is necessary
to tear down
for something new to come

the bricks of this building were basically attached
to the building next to it
yet it was able to be removed
without damage to the adjoining building
even though separated by barely inches

and under it all
is revealed
words written however long ago
words hidden for decades
perhaps a century?!?

within me
is written that dream from childhood
was it a dream
or was it real destruction
I don't know

written within me
is the Word
His words

words of love
and healing
and hope

words that I have believed
and trusted
that have built up all I am
and now the same words
condemn
threaten
destroy all I have ever known

I have been terrified
I have felt unsafe
I have felt dirty
I have seen the things that have been steadily holding me for ever
fall
crashing around me
within me

oh but Lord can this be trusted
can You be trusted
is Your eye still upon me
or have I gone too far
oh but Lord
it feels unsafe

really Lord
all the way down
to the foundation

who am I
what am I doing

I am sinner
in need of mercy
in need
of only Him

He is God
maker
creator
redeemer
lover of my soul
accomplishing His purpose in my life
not my own

'God is love...'
'everlasting'
'God is with us...'
'I will never leave you'
'Your grace is sufficient'

in the arms of the same heavenly Father
I am held safely in His truth
I am known
I am loved with the love I have always longed for

the only prayer I've been able to pray to Our Father was the Our Father
and I know my prayer was heard
my prayer of forever has been answered
through the tears I have cried
and the tears I have been unable to cry

through the prayers I have said
and have been unable to say

I woke in the middle of the night the other night
and knew beyond doubt
that I was no longer afraid
I had not been abandoned
I was not alone

The Lord your God in your midst
The Mighty One, will save
He will rejoice over you with gladness
He will quiet you with His love
He will rejoice over you with singing
         Zephaniah 3:17

For the Lord delights in you
...your God shall rejoice over you
         Isaiah 62:4

Maybe sometimes the walls we build
that house and protect us 
so well for a time
maybe sometimes those walls need to be removed
so something bigger
and more expansive
can come

I don't know what that will be..........

Do not remember the former things
Nor consider the things of old.
19 Behold, I will do a new thing
Now it shall spring forth
Shall you not know it?
                  Isaiah 43:18