this time
three years ago
was the saddest time of my life
yet on my face is a smile
...because what he needed
was my smile
...because with the weight and warmth of his little person
still on my lap
I could not but smile
even with his traveling clothes on
and all the suitcases packed
the hours
the days
the months
the year
that followed were the hardest I ever lived through
I was confused
and sad and ashamed and hurt and empty
and quiet
for a long time
I didn't think I would ever breathe again
I didn't think I would ever smile again
I didn't think I would ever love again
and yet again this year again
...the three year cycle
breathing is an effort
smiling through ever present tears
muddling through
being obedient
being present
being light
being joy
living to glorify my Lord and God
living to obey His command
submitted to Him
so that joy may be full
it is all beyond my comprehension
how?
breathe
smile
receive the love of my God
the love that nothing can separate me from
not my sin
my failings
my lack
He is sufficient
merciful
He knows
and somehow
this will get into me
and I will know
and perhaps will have a purpose
to let another know
someday
maybe
someday
I have been surrounded in kindness and love
supported protected
blessed by what I do not deserve
I know I must remain
yet I do not know how
but I know that is God's will, His command
and so He will provide the way
I need only obey
serve and glorify Him
even when hurting
when nothing makes sense
it is my own doing
and undoing
not illness, death, persecution
it is my own wandering, impurity, desire
sin
that lead me here today
so I confess
and again begin
to maybe love better the next time around
if ever I may again
"oh breathe on me oh breath of God"
Edwin Hatch, 1835-1889, alt. Music: trad Irish.
O breathe on me, O Breath of God,
fill me with life anew,
that I may love the things you love,
and do what you would do.
O breathe on me, O Breath of God,
until my heart is pure;
until my will is one with yours,
to do and to endure.
O breathe on me, O Breath of God,
my will to yours incline,
until this selfish part of me glows
with your fire divine.
O breathe on me, O Breath of God,
so I shall never die,
but live with you the perfect
life for all eternity.
place a pure heart within me
and Lord be Sanctified in my heart.......
May 29, 2011
Sanctify Christ the Lord in your heart...
1 Peter 3:15
one small thing...
I can do that
make holy
the Lord
in my inner most place
a place 'the noise and the haste' of this world
cannot enter into
my heart
within me
a place I can control
or at least allow the Holy Spirit within me
Christ within me to control
surely that one little place can be holy
surely He can be holy there
if not everywhere in my life?!?!?
a perfect little holy Christ place
my heart
yet is not the heart the storehouse
for all I value
my marriage
my children
my family
my home
the place my life flows out of
perhaps
the sanctifying of Christ in my heart
my inner little invisible heart
allows all those other places
to be sanctified too
Christ in my heart...holy
...and in this perfect late spring almost June morning
in sun
and breeze
in the billowing curtains of the porch
where I sway
in the swing
Christ in my heart...holy
...and in the sweet sweet fragrance of the tree in bloom in front of our house
Christ in my heart...holy
...and in the little sidewalk garden
with peonies and roses and iris and lavender in bloom
...and in this long weekend
...and in the family we will see
...and in my hubby upstairs preparing for class this week
...and in the baby and his mom in their morning play routine
...and in the boys search for an apartment in the burgh
...and in coco and and andy and their wedding prep
...and in all marriages
...and in all family
...and in all work
...and in all play
...and in each and every holy day
...in the crazy
...in the lonely
...in the sad
...in the scary...in the long suffering
...in the pain
sanctified and holy
Christ in my heart...
my one and only ever cell phone photo
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