all that i am

today marks one full week of my 'time away'

I am basically living the same days that I did at home

coffee and a shower and morning Mass

except everything is different

the rooms I'm living in are different

perfect freshly painted renovated clean furnished rooms

white cotton curtains not home's linen and lace

although in my compulsion...I have rearranged all the furniture opening up the space and making it suit my ascetic and need to be near the windows and the light

having done so I also had to clean and wipe under everything

realizing that even in the winter

with only myself trekking in and out

ever so carefully

even leaving my shoes outside the door

sand...makes its presence known

this place feels like mine now

I am no longer a guest in someone else's place

although in all reality I know this place is not my own and I do not belong here

I have a home

but here I am

and here I will stay

because as fearful as I was...as I pulled out of my driveway and left my life

....I was certain l would be struck by lightning...

the opposite has occurred

I feel blessed

I still wake in the morning in fear

and wonder what am I doing?!?

in fear that what I am doing is wrong
afraid that I am wrong

how is my being here helping anything

me

my marriage

my family

I just want to hurry home

reinsert myself into my life and act as if nothing at all has happened

because barely anything as of yet has happened

and I'm afraid that nothing will happen

I will be the same

my life will still be the same

I will have made the biggest mistake of my life

and not be able to fit back into my life

so every morning I fear

but then I realize I am awake 

I'm alive still
again

I didn't die in a 6 car pile up on the turnpike

I wasn't murdered in the night

one of the first nights I was here as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep

and I wondered if I had locked the car

I had not yet finished bringing in the few oh so precious possessions I have brought with me from home....

boxes and boxes of journals...

I was sure someone would take them...rip and tear them to pieces and leave them strewn about in the streets...

the next morning as I left for Mass I couldn't find my keys

there are not too many places to look in a three room bungalow...but they seemed to be no where

checked my pants and coat...

hmm...

I opened the front door and there they were right in the lock...
where they had been an entire day and a night

I had heard "the loner" whose door is literally next to mine go in and out several times since I had last been out and left those keys in the door

He needn't break into my car (the only other one in the huge empty parking lot)

He needn't break down my door and pillage and leave me for dead

He only need turn the key and let himself in

but he didn't...
I was safe

he had probably just laughed...what a silly woman 

(as yet I still haven't met the loner...) 

but back to my fear...

the fear I felt backing out of my drive-way

the fear I feel being truly alone after 34 years of together

and the greatest fear...

that this 'experiment' will fail terribly and nothing will have changed

and then what...

but even though other than 'coffee a shower and Mass' I do not have any agenda at all

the days go by

they unfold

and in them I have come to know 

God is not far

He is near

He is in me

and I am still in Him

I felt Him as I drove across the states that brought me here

saw Him in the sunshine bursting thru the ominous dark clouds over the expansive vistas of mountains and hills

saw Him in the brilliant blue sky over pristine snow covered fields

and I felt Him in the starbucks parking lot as I took a little nap in the warmth of His penetrating sun

and then being here

sunshine and warmth greeted me the evening I arrived

my first walk in the sand I was wearing just the sweatshirt I had on when I drove

I expected desolation and bleakness 

cold and wind and grey at the beach in January the middle of winter

it's what I needed to walk around in

to match how I felt inside

it's what I have been living in
darkness and stillness 

fear and shame

feeling a failure and not able or knowing how to regain my place in this world

I deserved and awaited

my time in a bleak desert

but God has had other plans

He has blessed me

with sunshine and warmth and snow and sun and sand

every day has unfurled

each moment each thought each prayer each book 

moment by moment

day by day

unbenounced to me

this morning I walked into daily Mass and there was piano playing

at the daily Mass!?

there has only been a capella hymns every other day

and what is being beautifully played is "Lord of all Hopefulness"

one of many songs that I always hear Domenick singing and playing 

it is as if he is at the piano greeting me on this day

this day The Presentation of the Lord in the Temple

AND the blessing of candles

Jesus, the light of the world

the Glory of the Lord

seen 

known

in Him there is no darkness at all

Jesus in us...a light in the darkness

I haven't been able to be anything close to the light of life that I am supposed to be

that has made me sad

I haven't been able to receive the words of comfort of those trying to be light in my life

that has made me sad

but today

as my candle was lit

I felt that just by my breathing

my existence

my life

that continues even though I have stepped out of it

my haphazard presence in the 'temple' this morning

qualifies me as part of the light

whether I do good or bad or am able to do or be anything other than who I am

I am a child of God

a child like baby Dorothy