be loved...

I plead
I can not
not one more moment
not one more day
not one more month and how possibly another year?
or thirty

I am a child of the living God...I am loved...
but I am so sad
I have no right to be here
anywhere
I do not belong anywhere

and then I feel the softest of mist

cool
barely moist
on my face

an overcast day at the beach floods over me

I remember days long ago
I remember yesterday
and tomorrow will come and I won't always feel this way
but even if it never passes
this is enough

this beautiful fine mist
this sweet memory
this intense feeling

I am
I am here
right here
this is where He has me today

I can barely breathe
I am overwhelmed
I am vulnerable
I am weak
I am afraid

but today He told me
again
that He loves me
still

I know what it is to love and if I can love
He can love ever more perfectly...

I prayed to accept Him...all that comes through Him
not just the happy, joyous praise and glory

but this hurting, confusion, unworthiness
whether it makes sense to me or not

I want to find Him
not His good feelings, not His blessings

He knows exactly where I am
He has said "come"... He has said "go"
and still I find myself afraid
of Him...a ghost...walking on the water
of Him...glorified...transfigured before me

He takes my hand as I clutch at His ankles
He soothes my head as I bury my face in His lap
He enables me to stand to move to breathe
how can I want something more
something other
how can I not accept Him
no matter how He comes
in blessing or in pain

He has given me this very breath, these feelings, these memories, this day
I will receive

I will breathe through the pain
and I will seek to find only Him on the other side of each and every tight clenched breath

He is transforming me
He does have a purpose
I do not know it
but  I grope and cling to Him only

this is good
this is enough