all that i am

"it is such a colossal effort

not to be haunted 

by what is lost
but
to be enchanted 

by what was

I don't know how the heart withstands it"

                                                                                    Jandy Nelson
my doctor says I have to have some testing done

there seems to be something wrong with my heart 

it seems to have trouble filling up...

it pumps just fine...
sending fresh life giving blood into the body

but there seems to be a problem when it fills up

I don't think it will ever fill up.......

but I think that's okay 

it is how we are made

we fill and we are made empty

lately it seems the word to me has been about emptying...emptiness

to be full of what the Lord has for me
I need to allow myself to be emptied

I need to cease from clinging
I need to let go

I know I am clinging more than ever 
to this ever present visible world

and yet the world seems to be so faint
getting smaller, transparent...harder to hold on to
which has made me all the more desperate...
I want it...now...
I am afraid to let it all go

and as I kneel in the morning dark
there is a crash and a roar and the bang
of a garbage truck
ceaselessly lifting, crunching
filling the silent church

I need to forget what lies behind...

and reach forward to those things which are ahead

        Philippians 3:13

I need to let it all go
and know and look with all certainty towards eternity
but
I'm having trouble looking and waiting and living for eternity

I'm having trouble believing there is more than here...after...
and yet simultaneously I am closer to letting it all go than ever before

I could so easily walk away...step away

from the pain and the hurting and the wondering of this life

this world that is dissipating before my eyes

fading

it all seems a shadow
it all seems unreal

waiting is painful

forgetting is painful

but not knowing which to do 

is the worst kind of suffering

Paulo Coelho,                                                       By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

and yet I walk
through each moment, each day...this life
not even knowing what the resurrection is
if the resurrection is
yet certain it is...

and I know that each step, each breath
is not my own
but given...
that every bit of strength every bit of ability comes from God

"The Lord my eternal Rock..."

My soul yearns for You in the night

yes, my spirit within me keeps vigil for You

when Your judgement dawns upon the earth

the world's inhabitants learn justice

O Lord you mete out peace to us

for it is You who have accomplished all we have done....

          Isaiah 26

this rock
this steady safe calm place
where I go 
to sit

to think

on things that are noble

and just

pure

things that are lovely and of good report

virtues and praiseworthy things

things learned and received and heard and seen

I think on these things knowing the God of peace is with me..........

      Philippians 4:8-9

The Lord your God...in your midst

The Mighty One
will save
He will rejoice over you

with gladness

He will quiet you 

with His love

He will rejoice over you 

with singing

                                                                                            Zephaniah 3:17

you shall no longer be termed forsaken

nor any more be termed desolate

for the Lord delights in you

and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride

So shall your God rejoice over you

                                                                             Isaiah 62:4-5


twice in my life I remember reading the readings
and knowing I cannot...I cannot
once the weekend I checked my husband into the psychiatric hospital
at mass with my youngest son
and discovering I was on the schedule to lector
oh Lord, I cannot, I am barely here, I do not want to be seen
...let alone...proclaim your word
and yet I did it
He stood me up
opened my mouth
and His word went forth to accomplish what He pleased

in what He had purposed

and last night
I was asked can you read for us
and I was shown the readings that had been chosen
oh Lord
I cannot read this...this is too hard...this is too close...this is too real
are you really this close to me?
to place me here to proclaim these words 
on this day?!?!
how can this be

both times He stood me up
opened my mouth 
and His word went forth...
my strength and ability my life is 
in Him
in faith
in the living God
in Jesus Christ
who loved me
and gave
Himself for me
       Galations 2:20

He is not far off...but in your mouth...in your heart...
     Deuteronomy 30:14
guarding, purifying, strengthening...transforming
making ready
to meet Him
in that place called eternity

Oh Lord...

"what things were gain to me

  these I now count as loss...for Christ.

  indeed I count all things loss

  ...for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord

  for whom I have suffered the loss of all things

  and count them as rubbish

  that I may gain Christ,

  and be found in Him

  not having my own righteousness

  which is from the law

  but that which is through faith

  in Christ

  the righteousness which is from God by faith.

  That I may know Him

  and the power of His resurrection

  and the fellowship of His sufferings

  being conformed to His death,

  if by any means I may attain to the resurrection from the dead."

               Philippians 3:7-11