all that i am

I slept all night
no two hour wakings
I fell asleep
holding gently to the given reality
I am here
there is no other place to be
there is no future day
I am here
on my little corner of our bed
just exactly where I belong

I wonder how to get to that place
where all that was is just forgotten
and living returns
...pressing forward to some upward call, some purpose...
I would be content to just not struggle
moment by moment
with simply being alive

somewhere deep in me I do I believe it will gradually come
my part is not to keep running the script, showing the clips
continuing to remember

and to believe that there is One who made and knows and loves me
and He knows...and loves me

I thought sharing the pain would somehow serve in the healing
the restoration
but it only brought more rejection
only Him do I trust

I woke and went and prayed
and read today's gospel Matthew the rich young man
giving up all you possess
letting go...

really today with all the gospels available...that one...that one with the type o

I thought I knew so well the God of love and kindness
the God who delighted in me and gently guided me
but I'm beginning to believe
that He really was just the god in my head
for at every corner He seems to be mocking me

happiness and holiness are easily abounding...elsewhere
while I so struggle
with simply living life

apparently it was me who caused the sadness
and now it is me who is sucking all the joy from this remaining life

I return to these rooms in the morning
and they hold me
the are ordered
they hold the faces of those who I have loved

I don't know if I belong in them
I don't feel I have the right
I am broken
I have broken
I want to just go away
it'd be a more authentic life
away
alone

but this is where I belong
they want me here
my husband
our vows
these rooms
our life

and so I stay
and so I pray