all that i am

my husband sat on the side of the bed this morning
pulled on his t-shirt, discovered it was backwards
turned it around and pulled it back on
seemingly quite satisfied
and I asked "is that just how you want it now?!?"
he looked meekly at me and explained "it was backwards"
I laughed and said..."it's inside out!!!!"
we laughed...
and he commented..."you're laughing...well... giggling....."
I guess it's been awhile

but
even with
the constant little bursts of song
and exuberance
and unabashed affections
of the girls being here

even with
the preoccupation
and excitement
for the son leaving for california for three months
today

even with
the most recent beautiful wedding invitations
for our dearest friends' only daughter
keeping me busy and coming to completion

even with
the 12 page application for fostering
and expectation of approval

even with
the memories that come along with anticipating
another month long camino about to begin

even with
the back to school faculty gathering tonight

even with
all that I have been richly, abundantly, graciously given
today
...hoho cake and steak and eggs for breakfast

"exceedingly above and beyond all that I could ever think of or even imagine"
              Ephesians 3:20

I am unsure that I will survive the sadness I feel
I cannot connect
the blue the cool the breeze the hydrangea
the prayers

the beautiful faces right before my eyes
the hope of their lives
the inspiration they have given me
that has held me all these months

the beautiful memories of my life
the beautiful faces it holds
the hope of their lives
the inspiration they have been to me all of my life

even with
all of this
I hurt
I am afraid
I am alone
I am broken
I no longer fit where I belong

I think of victor frankl and walter ciszek
the meaning the purpose the suffering the surviving...
all their words

I think of the Word, the Truth, the Life
all those words

I think of Mary's prayers and protection

I know my hurt is nothing
there is no reason

oh Lord
only You