all that i am

I had the most profound experience

with an angel named NATHAN in the Panerra parking lot

I had just finished my baby time in the hospital nursery

and stopped for a sandwich before I went to visit my hospice patient

I've been struggling with this new patient, she is very sad, alone and needy

which usually I rise to very well, but in her case after our visits I always leave feeling guilty and inadequate...
I was not enough...and couldn't do enough

I was constantly in contact with my director trying to provide for her 'needs'

rather than just being present and with her

so I get my sandwich and low and behold I back...crash... right into another car backing out in the parking lot

I pull my registration and insurance out of the glove box, because I can see the damage to his car from my rear view mirror

I walk over to him knowing this was my fault but feeling very composed and capable of getting this bit of business done

and getting on with my day...

and he asks

'are you okay?'

I say yes and inquire after him

he just smiles and asks if we can just start with a hug

and he hugs me

and I apologize for the damage I did

and he says oh that's nothing

I go to hand him my information and he says 'that's not necessary'

'there are more important things than bangs and dings in cars'

and he goes on to say 

'sometimes we are too busy, and we are distracted, and feel such stress

when all we need...is to know God's love'

and he asks if I've been stressed and if I am ok...but in a different way... again

and he smiles and gives me another hug

and it is all I can do not to break down in the arms of a total stranger in a parking

I insist on his taking my info

and he says no

but gives me his name, Nathan Lipscomb

and I give him mine

and he says he will pray for me?!?!

and drives away giving me another smile and a thumbs up!

he was so kind, and caring and forgiving...and joyful?!?!

I got back into my car

and drove over to the hospice office to resign (until we return from Italy)

I opened my heart to my coordinator

and told him I think I'm doing too much right now

and asked for his counsel 
and he prayed with me and for me...and for frank and I

and I think...if this stranger in a parking lot...can be so kind
so forgiving
so caring
what must the God...
who gave me my very life
and fashioned my conflicted heart
and knows my going ins and coming outs
what must He have for me?!?
what forgiveness
what love
what caring
what delight?!?

will I ever know it full well.....

I pray

for I do believe He desires for me to know...