a heart in the tree outside our tree house bedroom window

I have stared for these past ten years
at the tree outside our bedroom window
at morning light and throughout the night
from my little corner of the bed
where he rolls towards me and speaks the words that I know are coming
of what a blessed day it was 
of what a good day he has had

and I smile in the darkness and I hug him and I acknowledge his joy and I kiss him good night

and he rolls away as my words roll down my cheeks and back...into my ears

for the words in my head even before he speaks are

". . . I stayed... "
here...married......alive

it's not suicide I fear

I believe I am in God's grace and grip

I know this life is not mine, I have placed myself in God's mighty hand
I believe He will hold me firmly and keep me safe
even from myself

He hangs a heart over me in the eternal canopy of the damn tree

He reveals to me His beauty 
everywhere always

I step into into the mist of morning and my breath is sucked away

I step into crisp clear day chiseled against crystal blue

it causes me to weep 
the wonder intensified by the juxtaposition

of butting up against the sadness

it's not the profound sadness I fear

it's not even a desire to be happy that I want

my desire is to be holy

it's the living...being....that I struggle with

I feel I am living a lie
a fig leaf of reality contrarily covering deep darkness barely hidden within

I long for truth 
to be pure to be consistent one whole

to be faithful
to my God, my marriage, my life

it's all I can do to be in this moment

present in the right now

faithful to my life my husband my God

I keep on keeping on

believing

waiting 

being patient

with my Lord and my self

'having done all to stand

stand therefore'

but have I done all?

what more can I should I do?

should I just accept that this is how it will just be forever?

this empty disconnected profoundly sad existence?

I'm so wounded hurting sad

and I don't know how to get beyond this
I thought it would pass

all the times in the past that I felt like I wasn't enough

as a wife

as a mother

as a catholic
wasn't joyful enough

all those times I fell short

are nothing. . . compared to this

I have stretched out my hand and touched the forbidden fruit
and hold in my hand its sweet rotting softness suffering the consequences

I know I cannot continue to hold on but I do not seem to know how to let go

I open my hand before you Lord God
letting go
letting fall
'letting You'

thank You for forgiveness
even though my hands are clenched

even before I am ready to receive it

thank You for redemption and grace both 'to will and to do' (phil 2:13)
to let go and to live

thank You for Your love revealed

I long to love You...alone...only You
to know the fullness of Your goodness and beauty

Your will and Your desire for me

for me. . .

to be Yours

to be holy
to be Your delight

to be as You created me to be