The Word

8:41 the first advent morning
and frank plays the servant song
yet another day... I weep

I am inundated yet again still...too quickly... with words
even after being resolute with myself to only have two books this season
St Francis de Sales Introduction to the devout Life and Alison's Child of Winter
lately there are too many snippets read here there everywhere and I am confused overwhelmed
wondering
where did I read that
should I delve deeper into that

but first thing this morning this fresh New Year Advent season
the words come too many already
what about the daily readings
what about the office
what about the tantalizing stuff on the internet
Robert Baron, Henri Nouwen...St. Faustina...all good

the daily readings and office will still have to come first
then the Child of Winter reflection
and then the one meal of challenging saintly meat


and the first words I read
cause me to weep with the song with the purple
with THE WORD
not words...not many words...to confuse and confound to ponder and overwhelm and devour

but The Word...became flesh and dwelt among us...
Emmanuel God with us
the Word
One
Jesus
made flesh
a babe in arms
fresh from heaven into the darkness
of our world...His world
of my heart...the heart He knows

He comes...simply...swaddled...
needing just to be pressed into that natural place near to my heart
close and safe in my arms
tucked up warmly under my chin
the place I cuddle the babies

and He holds me there as well
He in my dark world
He in my dark heart and mind
He comes to me daily
His warmth passing through my lips
down my throat
swallowed
even deeper within than under my chin
His heart passing close to mine

He knows my filth, my busyness, my emptiness, my wandering, my wondering, my doubt, my fear, my shame, my sin
and yet He comes again...still
to love me

He created me, placed me here for His purpose
and comes to me
me

He loves me
me

and all I can do is long to love Him in return
to learn to love Him through His very own love
as He loves

in the darkness of every morning
in the darkness of every night
and in the darkness I move in through the day

His light is within me

causing me to stand
not moving, not doing, not advancing, not proclaiming, not yet able to shine
but...standing

having done all to stand
stand therefore
           Ephesians 6:13-14

and there stood by the cross Mary standing at the foot of the cross
           John 19:25-27

and Jesus was left alone
and the woman accused standing in the midst
           John 8:9

and sometimes it takes great energy to just stand
not to sprawl away the day in the bed
on the sofa in front of the tv
but to be up
and to look up
sometimes just the looking takes such effort
not to be caught just staring
but looking
faithful
simply believing
there is something more
expecting
light in the darkness
someday

It is a time of darkness, of faith.

We shall not see Christ's radiance in our lives yet​

it is still hidden in our darkness

nevertheless

we must believe that he is growing in our lives

we must believe it so firmly that we cannot help relating everything

literally everything

to this almost incredible reality

          A Child in Winter, Caryll Houselander

The secret of waiting is the faith that the seed has been planted, 

that something has begun. 

Active waiting means to be present fully to the moment, 

in the conviction that something is happening. 

A waiting person is a patient person. 

The word “patience” means the willingness to stay where we are 

and live the situation out to the full 

in the belief that something hidden there 

will manifest itself to us. 

                (Henri Nouwen)