i want so much

inside a little fisher-price doll house
Originally uploaded by alidegeorge

yesterday
Dr. Suess's 106th birthday
celebrated by a reading of 'yertle' and 'dave' by uncle frank to the second graders!
and then a late night dinner after 'light of life'
with a love of our life

this morning
drop off the hubby on campus
and seeing my 'baby' trolley by with his long purple pointy knit cap atop his head
no helmet

I see a friend get out of her car and fill the meter
she's coming up on the third anniversary of the loss of her husband
our sons where just graduating from high school
next year they will graduate college

a call to my best friend
in town for a few brief days
between their work assignments
she says with a sigh
"oh it's so good to be home"

a trip to the grocery for dinner tonight
uncle mike is coming to hopefully set up skype for Saturday
and bringing our little girl with him...

and listening to dom's serenade all the while

the moments of my life

and as I sit at the red light at the bridge
I realize there are tears running down my checks

I think of a scene from "flashdance"
as she enters the confesional and cries
"I want so much...."

I have so much
yet
I want so much
I want to see my first born get married
I want to see how happy they are
but we can't


and so I revel in the glory that they are happy!
and in love
and are getting married

and we WILL see them soon
and very soon...

but we will not be there
as they marry...

and I will miss that
I cannot lie

that is the one thing I really want


and here's another...
somehow relevant to my friend being "home"

and to 'yertle' wanting....more and more
and the scene from "flashdance"
'i want so much'

is the long term longing...for that perfect life
the dream home

when we are little
we play 'house'
{not 'home'?!?!}

then we marry and we feel like we are playing 'house'
while we make a 'home'...

and then we are my age
and think of all the places we have lived

the house we came home 'to' after we were born...
the houses we grew up in
the grandparent's house
nana's house
our first house
our dream house

(I have lived in 23 different houses in my 51 years...)
we've been the most stable in the last 15 years... in just two homes...
(five homes in our married life of 27 years)


which brings me to what I've been thinking about lately

the culmination of life
where we die
wanting to die at 'home'

I'm still very much in the process of dreaming

acquiring
that dream house...

just like my 23 year old daughter
who wants to buy her "first place"
who sees the house she (and her little brother)
came home from the hospital, to
for sell on line...
and would love to have it...just because of that...

just like my sister in law
who has been married ten years
and just wants a washer and dryer...

I long for views out my window
and no traffic roaring by our windows

and a place for the grandchildren to run and play freely
a garden
a porch swing
a huge outdoor table for el fresco dining

whatever that dream has been all along
and no matter how close or far we may have been in the past
this would be the final house
the retreat center
the sanctuary

the culmination
of all of lifes work and dreams
the place to retire...

and it makes me sad
brings those tears to behind my eyes

because I know in reality it may never happen
it happens for some
i've seen it here in blogs
and in magazines

but in reality
I've seen those with very similiar hopes
just fade from this life
in their 'home'
never having attained that dream

yet happy to have had their home, their life
and wanting so just to leave this world from that home...

I know I too will be happy wherever I am...
as I am

my life is blessed
rich

but that doesn't stop the longing
"I want so much more"

There are two realities to which you must cling.
First, God has promised that you will receive the love you have been searching for.
and second, God is faithful to that promise.
So stop wandering around.
Instead, come home and trust that God will bring you what you need.
Your whole life you have been running about, seeking the love you desire. Now it is time to end that search. Trust that God will give you that all-fulfilling love and will give it in a human way.
Before you die, God will offer you the deepest satisfaction you can desire.
Just stop running and start trusting and receiving.
Home is where you are truly safe. It is where you can receive what you desire.
You need human hands to hold you there so you don't run away again.
But when you come home and stay home, you will find the love that will bring rest to  your heart.

Lord help me to learn from my boredom. Help me realize as St. Augustine did that I will be restless until my heart rests in You.

        Henri J.M. Nouwen
        The Inner Voice of Love