all that i am

I am here

for the 780th  (seven hundred eightieth) time!?

this same place I have been almost everyday
for the last three years
    (except for that Lenten hiatus
     that I had all but forgotten about
     last year?!?)
I woke this morning
after a restless sleep
    computering in my dreams!?!?
I did my daily reading
and came down the stairs
still uncertain about my Lenten practice....
     I somehow felt like
     I was descending into 'the world of worldliness'
     some dreadful place of sinful familiarity
     and awful habits
on this randomly ordained Wednesday?!?

and so I stood
uncertain
in the sunlit corner of my kitchen
and I looked around
at the espresso pot on the stove
at the blender on the counter

I didn't know which to choose

and so I just stood
and the sun warmed my check
and my ears were full of the birds
trying to make themselves heard
through our tightened closed windows

and I thought about the readings I just read

prayer
fasting
giving

Lent

it's not
about making the lists
    and giving everything up
about changing the lifestyle
    and doing everything perfectly
    from this point forward

it's Lent
what used to be my favorite time of year

a time of preparation
    to receive Christ and His Pascal sacrifice
a time of renewal

look around
listen
it's springing!

     "Do not remember the former things
       Nor consider the things of old
       See, I am doing a new thing!
       Now it shall spring forth...
       shall you not know it?"
                  Isaiah 43:18


I had almost allowed my Lent
to become something that it is not

I stood in silence
waiting for the Lord...
questioning what is it this year that You want
     from me?

and in that moment of prayer
He made Himself heard to my tightened
    closed heart
I felt His love
His warmth
His beauty
His grace

the urgency of "wHat?!?!"
am I going to do?!?
or not do?!?!
was gone

look He said
look what I have done

It is a new day
there is sun
there are birds
there is love

I have done it all...
"it is finished"
it's not about you
and what you do
remember you are ashes...

remember me

be faithful to the gospel
the good news
pray
fast
give

do not let your list of things
that you think will bring us closer together
get bigger than I am!

I am near
I am right here

be ever nearer to Me...
know My love
show My love

live in My love

     "This people I have formed for Myself
       They shall declare My praise"
                    43:21


ash-wednesday 2009
preparing for Lent 2010
     at-least-one-drawer-or-closet-day
     mocha
     unexpected-gift
     thinking
     first-born-son-of-first-born-grandson
Lent 2011