...getting clean...

waiting is painful
forgetting is painful
but not knowing which to do 
is the worst kind of suffering

—	Paulo Coelho,  By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

words from my far away daughter

speak to my soul

waiting

waiting for healing

waiting for wholeness

waiting for perhaps an ease to return

forgetting

absurdity

illusion

disorder

delusion

confusion

destruction

waiting...

...doing

until...being...returns

initially the only place I felt safe was in my home
if it even was
it still housed my mind

then the world opened before me
I felt freedom again
I could leave my home again
I could drive again
keep my eyes on the road again
though everywhere through tears

now comes the profound acceptance
the finality
the absolute

the getting clean

I've done it all my life
the cleaning...the wiping... starting with sweet little bottoms, tears, and noses, counters, floors...
wiping away everything painful, sad, dirty...messy

I have quit many a thing without any problem 
Lenten coffee, red meat, wine, gluten, spending

yet I have never...had to get clean

if this even can be just wiped away

and so
I 

spray

scrub
scour

wipe up...after

reach in...under
go beneath, get behind
sofas chairs

benches  stoops

floors

sitting

till once again shining gleaming

not an altered reality

not a facade

and words from when little 
are randomly spoken 
"Twas brillig, and the slithy toves

  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,

  And the mome raths outgrabe"

seeming to echo that what I am doing is ... just as obscure...'brillig' 'gyreing' 'gimbling'....

but somehow 
I know

"....having done all to stand

stand...

therefore"

         Ephesians 6:13-14

I have done all I can

confessed and daily partaken 

yet I walk about forsaken

every place I go
everywhere I am

parking lots and highways

grocery stores and sidewalks

radio stations 

movies hospital and chapel

and even in the daily partaking's readings

caught off guard

mocked
returning

searching

desperate
gasping

yet I kneel beneath the rafters

folded hands in the early morning

brushing away the wetness of my cheeks

cuffs and collar acting as hanky

praying

in darkness

in silence

letting go
grasping

standing later in a darkened room 

a round little ear resting over my heart

listening to the beat I cannot hear

the softest of soft warm little head pressed against my cheek

a clinched little fist around my finger

a babe that fussed and flailed for an hour 

now peacefully asleep

wrapped securely 
filling my arms

pressed into my aching heart

praying

in darkness

in silence

holding tightly

but these little ones
they wean gradually
they are watched carefully
and are held dearly

it is difficult for me to see that I too have watchful eyes upon me
as I detach
withdraw
get clean
get free

words through tears from my pillow in the morning

never before spoken

answered harshly

"obedience and destruction"

but I listen 

I hear 

and in the speaking of the words

I know His presence in our midst

"...wherever two are gathered..."

               Matthew 18:20

I am part of a community 

I am surrounded

I am not alone 

I am loved
I am safe

and somehow I know I must come to believe 

yet again 

again

again
again

every day

again
that

His life was given...

He hung on that cross for me

so that I could be forgiven

forgiven

my sin known

and done away with

clean

every where I go

it's not enough just to do His commandments
to obey

I must love them

do them 
with love great love

"do the right and love the good...walk humbly with your God"

               Micah 6:8

and then a video 

black 
solemn 
vows

under soaring rafters
and through pouring tears

the words of our vows are heard in my head
and are actually seen appearing before my eyes 

"good times and bad

  richer and poorer

  sickness and health

  ....but difficult and easy?!?!"

yes
to share our joys and sorrows

...all the days of our life

me...and the little ones that are so precious
detaching

had and held