all that i am

I remember
a time when I could not see

I was somehow stuck inside myself

saw nothing
saw no one
and no one saw me

no value
no purpose
withering
fading away

and these the most valuable of all days

I went about
doing what was necessary
for what I know was far too long

I remember
walking into the laundry room
and seeing as if for the very first time

the rain on the leaves out the window
the shadows that fell across each branch
and in my deepest spirit
I knew that God caused every single shadow to fall
and that He knew every rain drop on each wet and shiny leaf
and that He also knew me
saw me standing there lost in the laundry
and was with me

and that made all the difference in the world
again I began to see

what was around me
who was around me

what was needed
not just necessary

I was needed
this
is where I had been placed
in all eternity

it seems most days not much work is done for eternity
day in day out
but maybe today is necessary
for the grace that will need to be given tomorrow

Right Living and Right Speaking

To be a witness for God is to be a living sign of God's presence in the world.
What we live is more important than what we say, 
because the right way of living always leads to the right way of speaking.   
When we forgive our neighbours from our hearts, our hearts will speak forgiving words.  
When we are grateful, we will speak grateful words, 
and when we are hopeful and joyful, we will speak hopeful and joyful words.

When our words come too soon and we are not yet living what we are saying, 
we easily give double messages.  
Giving double messages - one with our words and another with our actions - makes us hypocrites.   
May our lives give us the right words 
and may our words lead us to the right life.
       Bread for the Journey, by Henri J.M. Nouwen, ©1997

yesterday we talked about spanking children
with our children

after the conversation was winding down I offered my approach to discipline 
'just live right'
it was just glanced right over
even I thought really how inept did that just sound?!?!

but deep within me
I know it's true 
I remember reading profusely when I was expecting and first having littles

what was the right way 
in everything

I couldn't figure it out
it was far too much for me

somehow it came down to compassion
and what would I want 
if I was this crying, scared, cranky, tired little one

not what did I want 
as the mom, the adult, the grown-up
but what does this little need

not for me to be afraid
the little one is afraid
but how can I not be afraid
this is huge, this is terrifying, beyond me
but I heard the Lord say 'do not be afraid, I go before you, always'

I needed to be in control
but I wasn't
and again I heard Him say
you are not the one in control 'be still, and know'

and somehow did it all turn out alright?
I don't know 
they are His 
then and now...
and I too, still am

and to this day
I fuss and I cry and I push and I want
and I touch when told no
and I'm awake when it's night
and want things sweet
and the lights always on
and want no one ever to leave

I want to be noticed
in all that I do

and no one does
no one can
it's too much

because every one wants to be noticed
because every one must go away
because every day brings night

I like the lights off now when I sleep
and in the dark without a word I hear
'I see you, I know you, I love you'
and the living
once again becomes clear

Rejoice that you yourself are remembered by God 
       Baruch 5:5